Hubbard calling earthlings. Come in earthlings. Hubbard calling earthlings. Come in earthlings...This is your revered, omnipotent, kind, non-fraudulent, spiritually rich (financially so as well) ever living master! I mean leader. Lord of MEST (Matter Energy and Space Time) L. RON (The Don) HUBBARD! Prophet, sage, humanitarian, immortal, He-Man, Dianetician, saviour of mankind, QUINTILLIONAIRE! And don't you forget it.
As you are all well aware I chose to leave my earthly body behind, having seen the truth of my own existence, and I have become a Supreme Being manifesting itself as an energised ball of dollar bills traversing the many properties of spacetime. I have been to infinity and beyond, and am now an omnipresent somatic thetan floating about 6 feet above your universe (it looks like a dog chasing its own tail by the way). And it has come to my attention - even at the delivery speed of your universe: light, news still takes a while to get here - that a French court has ruled that certain practices by the Church of Scientology have been classified as fraud under French law. Fraud? French law? Those are two things I always avoid. The French can go suck an onion, backwards, through a baguette. Who the hell do they think they are compared to ME! I eat Stephen Hawking's crackpot theories for breakfast! When I fart a newly christened child is given a life sentence in pain! I vacation at the most extreme place in the universe - the event horizon of a black hole, and I live in a singularity! It's a b#stard walking the dog.
Anyway, what is this talk of "law"? I AM the law. It's all part of this cancerous growth of SP (Suppressive People) - that horrid 2.5% of the population who have antisocial personalities, impeding our progress, sewing their malignant seeds of doubt, fear, rational-thinking and common sense, leaving the PTS (Potential Trouble Sources) to grow. If you know an SP, I don't care if it's your own mother, spouse or your newborn child, you must disconnect and sever all ties with them (it worked for me).
And if you're still being affected then you'll have to spend some time at our lovely health spa in Los Angeles, known affectionately as the dreaded Rehabilitation Project Force, where you'll be physically debilitated through the euphoria of unrelenting labour and intensely extreme deprivation. And if that therapeutic course of salvation doesn't work, then my friend, colleague and operating thetan David Miscavige will use physical violence. Anything to help you. That's the Scientology way. Even if it means ostracising you from your friends, family, ideals, beliefs, sanity and physical health - we're that dedicated. We'll do anything but go to jail.
Now as I understand it my dear religion - which is practically a science - is getting a bit of a bad rep down there on Earth. I'm trying to save you humanity, you ungrateful pagan rats. I knew my teachings were too advanced for the small-minded cluster-ridden anti-social personalities called mankind, who use such ludicrous terms as scientific proof, reason, logic, truth, independent thought and...I can barely say the word, I'll have to spit it out: psychiatry - a nefarious disgusting discipline. Our nemesis, dear auditors: N-E-M-E-S-I-S. As I say that word imagine the colossal cosmic fury of a supernova shrinking a million times the size of earth in less than a second, and you will gage a fraction of the level of hate I feel for that loose collection of deluded fantasies laughable called a "science".
But if they want a galactic war, then by Xenu's tyrannical nutbag they've got one. We will MASSACRE them! We will F#CK. THEM. UP! Those SP muthf#ckers would have to be ready to take on the might of our tens of millions of followers (just to clear this little matter up, this figure is gained from the potential followers of The Bridge To Total Freedom, whether they have come into contact with Dianetics yet or not - you see, simple mathematics.) who are world, nay, universe wide.
Like our man on terra firma, close friend, ally, most powerful celebrity in the world, and winner of the coveted and prestigious award that many actors lust after their whole careers. That's right, I'm talking about none other than the famous Freedom Medal of Valor and I'm talking about Tom Cruise - who kindly, modestly, based his performance in Tropic Thunder on moi, but obviously toned it down (thanks Tommy!) - our celebrated solo-auditor, the most dedicated Scientologist I know, OP VII (that's Operating Level 7 - keep up) and star of one of the most important films ever produced - that 10 minute Scientology video that was leaked on YouTube. A f#cking PR disaster.
I mean who doesn't want to live on a compound, barely sleeping, eating scraps and speaking in mind-numbingly incomprehensible acronym jargon. That's the price of spiritual freedom.
Oh, Dave, just one quick simple task, could you go over to the Treas Sec PAC and see the ASHO and AO and get the Dissem Secs from WUS. We need to get the EUS T&P BMO lists for SBC promo pronto. Tell Mary she needs the GI cycle for the stats on the SOB to get ready for the annual BS. Cheers ears.
Anyway, we all know the way to a person's enlightenment is through their wallet. And their bank account, their car, money they can borrow off friends, the remortgage on their house, the shirt on their back, the sink in their kitchen, and anything that isn't nailed down that can be sold quickly. Because Xenu is out there my would-be-auditors, poisoning you with engrams, and it's up to you to join the elite and stop him. Look at it as your sacred duty as a potential money river for the Church of Scientology. Scientology cannot live by donations alone. We need to take what is rightfully ours: what's yours.
I'll tell you what I'll do, if you sign up right now, I'll make sure you get a phone call from the man himself, TC, that's the honourable Mr Tom Cruise most powerful-celebrity-in-the-world to you. How about that? Before you know it you'll be moving ashtrays with your mind and travelling the majestic spiritual plans of Operating Thetan. But be careful, for they are extremely powerful and not for the uninitiated, or those with a low bank balance. The grave consequences of premature exposure to them could be catastrophic. You are likely to die of pneumonia.
So remember, you are an immortal alien spiritual being trapped in a physical body on planet Earth covered in clusters of BT (Body Thetans) which contain painful memories. With my moderately priced advanced course at $10,000 you can know the hallowed secrets and rid yourself of these regressive memories which will reincarnate as individuals. Now tell me, what's so unbelievable about that?
I remain
Lafayette the Magnificent
Ps. Dianetics: The Modern Science of Mental Health is available in all good book stores and online.
hi-larious!!!
Added: 15 hours ago by usob71235
One of the unexpected benefits of the current scarcity of original ideas in Hollywood is the surprising migration of documentaries from the high number Sky channels to the art house and, even, the multiplex cinemas. I still think it rather strange to sit down in the cinema to watch a documentary; after all, aesthetically they aren't particularly suited to Dolby surround and massive screens. My own guess is that as the majority of Hollywood movies have become such slaves to the "high concept" ideal I've began to crave stories that are more focused on something relatable.
A way of cleansing the palate after swallowing the latest exercise in noise and sparkle that's been marketed down my throat. And I find it curiously pleasing that there are more interesting and varied stories out there in the real world than in the studios portfolio of comic book adaptations and horror remakes. (I just checked to make sure I wasn't raving there and out of 19 movies on at my local omniplex there are only 4 that are original stories, and one of those is Couples Retreat...).
So if you're looking for something other than the increasingly pornographic sensibilities of modern cinema here are some alternatives to the uninspired fantasy of Hollywood.
Deliver Us From Evil
Although the presentation of this doc is rather pedestrian - lots of slow sweeps over photographs and memos, too many talking heads sitting in office cubicles - this unintentionally serves only to reinforce what Hannah Arendt called "the banality of evil." As the story of paedophile priests unfolds the mind is left reeling at the way such despicable crimes are rationalized and dismissed by the Catholic Church. Interviews with victims are among the most disturbing things you'll ever see, I couldn't watch the screen when a father breaks down, half screaming, half crying, "Not molesting...Raping! He raped her. At 5 years old." Watching Father Oliver O'Grady walking through the park describing how he picked his victims while a child walks past in the background will redefine what you think a horror movie really is.
Touching the Void
Moving as far from the traditional documentary template as possible Touching the Void is the story of two mountaineers whose adventure up the Siula Grande turns into the most amazing story of survival. Utilizing a mixture of interviews and extremely well made dramatic reconstructions, this is an incredible edge of the seat thrill ride. It's testament to the skill of director Kevin Macdonald that he manages to keep an atmosphere of mortal peril even though the protagonists are both obviously alive and well, telling their story in a studio.
Earth/Planet Earth
The camera, high above, tracks along a river towards a drop off. The roar of water grows until we're swept past and turned to see the awesome sight of the 1000ft high Angel Falls, the world's highest free-flowing waterfall complete with rainbow slicing through the ephemeral mist. It's a hairs-on-the-back-of-the-neck moment. Even the most visually inventive directors must throw their arms up with despair as the BBC's Natural History team conjured up breathtaking sight after breathtaking sight simply by pointing a camera in the right direction. CGI may have given us Middle Earth but it's not a patch on the real thing.
Anvil: The Story of Anvil
It's the ultimate buddy movie, it's a real world Spinal Tap, it's a Chicken Soup For The Soul for people who don't read inane bullsh#t, and its f#cking METAL dude! Maybe the claims that you don't need to like the music to like the film are a bit optimistic, but they're not entirely without merit either. There's a wonderful bromance between Steve and Robb, an eye opening look at the rock and roll lifestyle for the ones who don't make it, and so many funny moments that comedy writers must be left feeling impotent next to the delicious ironies of the real world. It's particularly soothing if you're currently going through the annual torture of the X-Factor (or American Idol) with your girlfriend.
Dark Days
Marc Singer spent 2 years living with New York's homeless population and offers this magnificent, unflinching view of their world. Again it's strange that in Hollywood for a tramp to be interesting he must be a forgotten violin maestro or green beret when the real stories are so powerful and dramatic. [Ed -it also has a soundtrack by DJ Shadow.]
Gimme Shelter
The Rolling Stones' 1970 film following their 1969 tour, which culminated with the fateful era-ending clusterf#ck at Altamont is so much more than a concert video. The fly on the wall camera captures all the behind the scenes dealings and egos as they unwittingly head for disaster. It's remarkable for one other thing too, it's the only band documentary that I know of where the subjects don't come across well. Especially nowadays band docs are pretty much just 90 minute long glorified adverts, reverential to the artists and asinine in production. Gimme Shelter pulls no punches with Jagger and co. They really don't come out of it well. It would be nice to see some other bands with the same balls to show themselves warts and all. The tunes are good too.
Not Quite Hollywood: The Wild, Untold Story of Ozploitation!
Watching this film will give you at least three hilarious behind the scenes movie stories to impress your friends with, to avoid spoiling them I'll just hint at one. Dennis Hopper was banned not only from driving any car in Australia but also from being a passenger...Besides the great anecdotes there's a ton of charm in this exploration of the cheerful and deeply crazy Australian movie scene. Quentin Tarantino loves it, it's pretty much movie geek heaven and much like the movies it's about, it's a wild ride.
A word on Michael Moore:
Michael Moore makes stupid documentaries. He reduces complicated issues to simple ideology re-enforcing agitprop for liberals. And on one hand I think, why not? I mean Christ, the right has got a whole gang of misrepresenting f#ckwit agitators, they've got their own news channel in America but it doesn't mean that Moore's hammering of easy targets and surface skimming threads are worthwhile. Adam Curtis makes the documentaries that Moore should make. So go and watch them.
also would add: weather underground, about the 70s usa terrorists.
Added: 2 days ago by nonotthatguytheotherguy
It's Halloween, so why not. Everyone loves a zombie, whether they're slowly shifting towards you arms outstretched moaning grimly with little pieces of unknown human organ dripping from their pale faces, or frantically charging at you gnashing their teeth with their grey dead eyes that could out stare a shark.
Zombies are a bunch of hideous, brain eating, mindless monsters which what makes them so darn cool. Happy to consume the living, dining out on us, quaffing down poached organic human gallbladder, cassoulet of eyeball and a confit of rotting skin. They love it. So this is a celebration of their gruesome awesomeness.
And because it's Halloween I've picked some gory scenes of eye-gorging and delicious zombie mutilation. Mu-ha. Muhaha. Muhahahahaha!
Shaun of the Dead
The greatest British movie ever made (well maybe 2nd to Withnail and I), and a kick-ass zombie movie to boot. Expertly interweaving comedy, romance and the zombie apocalypse. Not only is it truly laugh-out-loud funny with some great dialogue and plenty of memorable scenes, it's also gory. Even Romero loves it. Here are some outtakes with Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, two comedy gods.
George A Romero's zombie trilogy
Three films in one here, and they're all classics.
Night of the Living Dead set the tone, in moody black and white it was something of a revelation. Dawn of the Dead relocated to a shopping mall with all the not-so-veiled consumerist symbolism. And then the nuclear bunker paranoid brilliance of Day of the Dead. Then he had to go and ruin it all with Land of the Dead and *shudder* Diary of the Dead. Maybe he's turned into one of his beloved zombies.
Re-Animator
An 80s science fiction horror cult classic, it's a film from another era. It centres on a medical student who is trying to develop a formula to revive the dead. It's got gore, and by god it's got plenty of it, but in between the blood-letting it has moments of inspired comedy which elevates it above other movies of its ilk. Here's a compilation of the goriest bits. M'mmm.
Zombie flesh Eaters (Zombie 2)
Directed by horror icon Lucio Fulci, it's a stone cold zombie classic. Even if you were a brain dead zombie craving human flesh who had the intelligence of a lobotomised tadpole with dementia you'd still enjoy this. It's grisly, it's gory, it's f#cking A. And it's famous for two scenes, firstly an eye-popping eye gorging scene, watch it here. And secondly for a zombie wrestling a shark. That's right. A muthaf#cking shark. Watch and worship it's depraved genius.
Dead Snow
Zombie Nazis. Splattered blood on crisp white snow. Fuck yeah. Here's a funny scene involving said zombies getting attacked with chainsaws, a weapon that's guaranteed to inflict some intestine splurging, mutilated damage.
Dawn of the Dead (remake)
Part of the new wave of zombies that are agile and, more troubling, fast. Who move like they're late for work down at the organ-munching centre. It has a brilliant opening scene that jars you like a turd you've just dropped leaping out of the bowl and dancing the Charleston while singing Fly Me to the Moon. Watch it's malign brilliance here - nothing says gruesome like an enraged zombified child taking a savage lump of hot flesh from your husband's soft neck. It doesn't have the intelligence of the original but it does have a menacing pace and a relentless sense of the grim fruitless ordeal of a planet overrun by the undead.
I Walked With A Zombie
It's, loosely, a zombie version of Jane Eyre set in the exotic Caribbean, home of voodoo. It's an unsettling, brooding masterpiece from
director Jacques Tourneur. Haunting, peculiar, spectral, it's rightfully a classic and soon to be remade by the Saw guys.
Braindead (Dead Alive)
From Peter "LOTR" Jackson, his early films had humorous and splendidly gory violence which he seemed to relish like a cigar rolled on the thighs of virgins and sealed with the tuna juices of a Greek goddess. This is a classic, like his low-budget masterpiece Bad Taste. Set in New Zealand this movie sees a domineering mother bitten by a Sumatran Rat-Monkey which slowly turns her into a ravenous zombie. It has some grisly scenes, one set around the dinner table, and the end is sublime in its gory glory, featuring our protagonist attacking hordes of zombies, animated intestines and disembodied limbs with a lawnmower. The mother becomes a giant monster and in a moment of Freudian indulgence stuffs her son back into her stomach. It also has one of the coolest lines ever when a priest says, "I kick ass for the Lord!" Here's a compilation of the goriest bits. Yum.
braindead is an awesome movie, but it was set in wellington new zealand.
Added: 5 days ago by strood1789
