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RESIDENT EVIL: REVELATIONS

Everyone knows that Resident Evil 4 is still the greatest game ever made, and nothing short of a first person shooter with Jesus Christ controlling a 500 ft mech or something will ever top it. Unfortunately, it also left Resident Evil 5 looking a bit anaemic. So rather than try aping the batshit action Resident Evil 4 formula again for Revelations, they've gone the other way, and gone back to the horror. THE HORROR.

And done a bloody good job all told.

You are not some insane bullet-ejaculating, devastatingly handsome David Bowie doppelganger in Revelations, rather your primary character is original heroine, Jill Valentine. You still play the game from an over-the-shoulder perspective, but because there isn't some cockney merchant ambling about to give you ammo, you're not able to go in guns blazing. Revelations is a tentative little beastie, and presents you with some of the scariest moments on a handheld since you realised you could never ever really escape from Tom Nook [Just stopped having nightmares - Ed], and you'd be digging up fossils for shitty money for the rest of your days.

Revelations largely takes place on a boat, a big boat, a boat filled with people that are either really drunk and ugly or infected with something. We suspect the latter but hope it's the former. It's up to Jill and her partner Parker (a wisecracking Spaniard who just makes us tearfully recall Luis Sera from Resi 4, he was the man) to find out what's been going on. Over the course of about ten hours you'll be met with (no surprise, given the title) shocking revelations, horrible beasties and touch-screen-utilising puzzles as the plot plays out in typical Resident Evil fashion.

Revelations obviously looks great, and proves just how nifty the 3DS can be. The boat looks suitably creaky and imposing, and characters animate well (even though their lips don't move, although you'd have to be a bit of an arsehole to be bothered by that). The 3D is used well too, though you're really missing nothing if you choose to turn it off. Most importantly, Revelations has it where it counts. It successfully returns to the creeping, panicky horror of old for the most part, and it's a tense little game, full of jump scares and moments of extended suspense. In addition you're given a nifty little gadget called the Genesis, which lets you scan enemies (in order to get health packs oddly) as well as rooms for secret objects, like weapon upgrades, herbs (god knows you'd need a spliff on a ship full of ravenous beasties) and ammo. It feels a bit reminiscent of Metroid Prime actually, and there's nowt wrong with that.

However, the developers are well aware that some of you aren't happy unless you're shooting things up, so some of the chapters are more action-heavy. There's a multiplayer mode called Raid as well, where you and a chum can go through various chapter segments blowing things up. It's nice that they've thought of you nihilistic little buggers, too.

Resident Evil Revelations proves that, ironically, there's life in the zombie dog yet. It's not completely perfect. It does this annoying 'previously on Revelations' thing after every chapter which is wholly unnecessary. We can see why they did it, but it's still pointless. This is Resident Evil, not a frigging Buffy 2 parter. Some of the new characters are really rubbish too. There's no one quite like Barry. The plot is really crappy as well. For sure, Resident Evil is meant to have a crappy plot, but they've gone above and beyond here as you'll not really give a shit about any of it, but what the hell, it's fun to play through, tense as heck and a nice return to the series for those people that missed the fear.

NOW WRITHE IN OUR CAGE OF TORMENT.

CUT THE ROPE

You there!

Ever heard of Cut The Rope? You should have. It recently knocked the previously unbeaten champion of the App Store, Angry Birds, off the top spot. For good reason too. It's rather special.

The idea of the game is simply thus; cut the rope and/or ropes at the right time and in the correct order to collect as many stars as possible, so you can get the candy (always inexplicably attached to the end of the rope) to Om Nom who is waiting at the bottom. Om Nom is some cute frog looking type creature, whose apparent sole aim in life is to sit and wait for sweeties to fall into his mouth.

Nice work if you can get it.

Sounds like it'll be nice and easy too huh? WRONG. There is a whole host of traps and enemies to get in your way and delay Om Nom's sugar rush by a few more minutes. Spikes and spiders are the first order of the day - spikes will smash the candy and spiders will run off with it. Those cheeky scamps.

With some nice, friendly graphics, enjoyable sound effects and music, Cut The Rope is definitely worth checking out. You can do so for free by going to http://www.cuttherope.ie/, but remember, you can only get access to all of the games levels if you have Internet Explorer 9!

TOP TEN SERIAL KILLER NICKNAMES

David Berkowitz: The .44 Caliber Killer/Son of Sam

Operation: Terrorised New York City from July 1976 till his arrest in August 1977, with a .44 claiber.
Quirk: Satanic quilt who was commanded to kill by a demon who possessed his neighbor's dog.
Quote: "I didn't want to hurt them, I only wanted to kill them."
What they up to now? Currently serving a 365-year sentence at the Sullivan Correctional Facility in Fallsburg, New York. In 2002 he will be up for parole.

Wayne Boden: The Vampire Rapist

Operation: A Canadian serial killer and rapist active between 1969 and 1971
Method: Earned the nickname "The Vampire Rapist" because he had the penchant of biting the breasts of his victims
Quote:
What they up to now? Began serving his sentence on February 16, 1972. Boden died at Kingston Regional Hospital on March 27, 2006 of skin cancer after being confined in the hospital for six weeks.

Ted Bundy: The Campus Killer/Lady Killer

Operation: An American serial killer, rapist, kidnapper, and necrophile who forcibly abducted, raped, and murdered at least 30 young women, and possibly many more, in the states of Washington, Oregon, Utah, Idaho, Colorado, and Florida between 1974 and 1978
Method: Superficially handsome, charming, and charismatic, Bundy used these qualities to full advantage
Quote: "What's one less person on the face of the earth, anyway?"
What they up to now? Executed in the electric chair at Raiford Prison in Starke, Florida in January, 1989.

Dr. Thomas Cream: The Lambeth Poisoner

Operation: Claimed his first proven victims in the United States and the rest in England. Used poison.
Method: Handy with chloroform and strychnine. Anything that caused agony and respiratory arrest was his bag. And probably in his bag.
Quote: "I am Jack The Ripper" On his deathbed, even though he was jailed during the killings. Idiot.
What they up to now? Executed after his attempts to frame others for his crimes brought him to the attention of London police.

Nannie Doss: The Giggling Granny

Operation: A serial killer responsible for the deaths of eleven people between the 1920s and 1954
Method: Killed four husbands, two children, her two sisters, her mother, a grandson and a nephew with rank sweets (poison).
Quote: "Anyone fancy a Barley sugar?"
What they up to now? The state did not pursue the death penalty due to her being a "lady". She died of leukemia in the hospital ward of the Oklahoma State Penitentiary in 1965.

Colin Ireland: The Gay Slayer

Operation: Decided to serially kill gay men as a New Year's resolution in 1993.
Method: Sought homosexuals in the well-known gay pub, The Colherne, in West London, who enjoyed the passive role (they all wore color-coded handkerchiefs) as they would initially believe his antics were a sexual game.
What they up to now? Recently tried to convert to Islam in Wakefield prison because he likes the curries they get fed. [This is not a joke.]

Thierry Paulin: The Monster of Montmarte

Operation: A French serial killer active in the 1980s who preyed on the old and weak and lived lavishly on the proceeds of his murders.
Method: Suffocated in plastic bags, beaten to death, forced to drink drain cleaner - all the crimes were violent and nasty and motivated by robbery.
What they up to now? Body ravaged by AIDS, in a state of near-paralysis, suffering from both tuberculosis and meningitis, Paulin died during the night of April 16, 1989, in the hospital wing of Fresnes prison

Richard Trenton Chase: The Vampire of Sacramento

Operation: Pre-adulthood, Chase would hold oranges on his head, believing the Vitamin C would be absorbed by his brain via diffusion. He eventually killed six people in just one month in California, earning his nickname by drinking his victims' blood and eating their flesh.
Method: He would shoot victims dead and then have sex with and mutilate their corpse. He did not wear a cape.
What they up to now? Committed suicide in prison using an overdose of prison doctor-prescribed antidepressants whilst awaiting the gas chamber.

Alexander Pichushkin: The Chessboard Killer

Operation: Wanted to kill 64 people, the number of squares on a chessboard primarily targeting elderly homeless men by luring them back to his apartment with vodka.
Method: After drinking with them, he would kill them (always from behind to avoid getting blood on his clothes) by hitting them on the head with a hammer. He then stuck vodka bottles in their skulls to ensure that they did not survive the ordeal.
Quote:
What they up to now? He was arrested on 15 June 2006, and convicted on 24 October 2007 of 48 (of 49) murders and three attempted murders. Was held in a glass cage during the trial.

The Bender Family: The Bloody Benders

Operation: Family of serial killers (John Bender, his wife Kate, son John Jr. and daughter Kate) who lured victims into their Wayside Inn as "guests of honour".
Method: One of the men would smash their victims' skulls open with a hammer and then one of the women would cut their throats to make sure they were dead. This usually happened to wealthy types passing by Drum Creek, to the point where travellers began to avoid the trail.
What they up to now? All dead with their "artefacts (hammers etc) Bender artefacts were eventually given to the Cherryvale Museum and still on display today. It is not as popular as Disneyland.

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