Let me take you back to 2001. It was an important year. One that started full of hope yet ended full of fear. It was the year that i discovered there are people in this world who do not share my values and who are willing to stoop to the most heinous and vulgar methods to inflict their warped morality onto those who value freedom, equality and altruism.
I am of course referring to the people who used the Action Replay cheat disk in Phantasy Star Online for the Dreamcast.
To begin with the PSO online community was the fruition of Belinda Carlisle's chart topping promise. A near nirvana where people helped each other quest, shared information, lived, laughed, and loved. Language was no barrier thanks to the benevolent Sonic Teams Symbol Chat. However, this perfect world was being watched by jealous eyes. Jealous browneyes.
The Action Replay gave you any weapon, and could Max your character which, given that finding the weapons and leveling up was the point of the game, seems pretty f#cking retarded to me but rather than get bored and move on these c#ckless locusts devoured Sonic Teams digital heaven from the inside out leaving nothing but a shell. I still boil with rage when i think about the Spread Needle +60.
That was my first introduction to online gaming. "Wow, this is brilliant I'm in a team with 2 Germans and a Swede, and we're killing aliens........ oh wait some 13year old French racist just killed me and stole all my stuff." But it was not my last.
Moto GP on the Xbox, a subtle game that required concentration, dedication and the ability to not snap the controller when some b#stard who was going the wrong way round the track smashes into you wrecking your perfect lap.
Project Gotham featured a unique cornering system which i was unable to use because it involved ramming the rear of my car to brake. Then saying "you're sh#t" as i pulled myself out of the crash barrier.
Every online racing game I've played left me feeling like I've just been sodomized by bears so i retreated to shooters. You're meant to be sodomising each other in them, surely the swine can't ruin shooters. Day of Defeat? Wallhack. Quake 3? Aimbot. Counterstrike? Ahahahaha.
Right, not shooters then, Pro Evolution Soccer? I loved pro Evo like Republicans love denying minorities the vote and like the Republicans i was good at it. Online games were played so that the first half was hosted by one player and the second half was hosted by the other. Fair.
Of course someone worked out that you can annihilate my ping on the half that they are hosting by turning on a download leaving me watching a frozen screen while they rack up a 10 - 0 lead. I was beating a guy ranked 6th in europe 2-0 and he deployed a tactic that isn't covered in the strategy guide, he turned his computer off in the 89th minute, invalidating the game. (His name was QuickStrike75 and if i find him, i will kill him.)
So I've had enough. The pleasure of online gaming doesn't even begin to compare to the pain. I'm back on the sofa playing Power Stone with my mates, its Pro Evo and beers with the boys, you can all pretend that you're L337, be an Pwnage God online, but make sure you turn the volume up when you are sitting alone in your bedroom bitch-slapping NOOBZ cos once I'm done playing with my mates I'm coming round to f#ck your mum !!!
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