Rev. Jesuslove: Or how i learned to start worrying and fear the rapture
Part 1
The checklist of DOOM! For the Book of Revalation.
1: After 2000 years the diaspora jews will return to their biblical home and create a Jewish nation:
Israel ? Hello ? Jesus Christ ! Jesus save us. And all this will happen within the lifetime of the generation who saw the return of a Jewish homeland. Israel was formed on 14 May 1948. F#ck......
2. The world will gravitate towards a single goverment, single economy and a single religion:
Globalization ? The Euro ? Paypal ? Single religion seems like a bit of a sticking point though seeing as theres f#cking hundreds of them. No matter.
3. All true believers of Christ will be "raptured" and f#ck off up to heaven:
The world begins to descend into chaos and Rockstar release GTA V without the millions of dollars in free publicity they normally get. Still manages strong sales through the quiet summer quarter.
A very serious problem for true believers. Some refuse to take jobs where their sudden disappearance would cause the death of others. Ministers advise against becoming surgeons or airline pilots which is something I can really get behind. I don't want these gimps flying my bloody plane thank-you-very-much.
4. Russia, Turkey (I'm going on my hols there), and some other middle east countries will team up and attack Israel.
The Book of Revelations names a prince called Gog who rules Magog. I'm not sure what kind of leaps of faith were required to turn him into Russia, Turkey and one of the 'stans but they probably required a hang-glider. Russian Nationalism and Sunni Islam make strange bedfellows.
5. In the aftermath of this terrible war a charismatic European will broker a peace and take control of the world. Unfortunately he's the Antichrist (why are the bad guys always European?) and with the help of a false prophet will con everyone except the Christians who are holy enough to see through his bullsh#t, but not quite holy enough to get suckled to the welcoming tits of Jesus in step 3. F#cking fence sitters. This will be when all those not even holy enough to be ignored by Jesus get the mark of the devil. 666 Motherf#ckers!
Science side-note: Do not regard as a 2000 year old story with no historical corroboration.
Archaeological excavations near Medina found a wall that had a lot of numbers crudely scratched on it. After a bit of rational investigating they found that the numbers were used as a code. Later more and more of the codes were found in other places all over the middle east from this era. Turn out codes were a kind of entertainment. Suduko hadn't travelled from the east yet. The ones found on the wall in Medina were actually pretty much saying
"Joe loves Lucy.
Billy-Bob wuz here
All your church are belong to us
(actual names and direct translations not used)"
When applying one of the codes to 666 one of the few possibilities the code allowed was "Domitian" who just happened to be the Emperor who exiled the author of the Book of Revaltion to a pissy little island called Patmos.
6. Two Jews kill the Antichrist (Cast Alan Rickman for movie?). Antichrist returns from the dead and kills everyone who refuses to worship him.
Those pesky Jews have committed their second case of Deicide. Slayer fans rejoice. Mainly by cutting themselves.
7. Russia, a.k.a. Magog, and China break the Antichrists peace treaty and attack him, but the wiley old fox changes their mind and they decide they want to be on his team after all. Possibly he offers them cookies?
Christ returns! All the people raptured in step 3 are with him and he's out to kick some satanic ass. He's got a heavenly army of these smug swine and angels. The battle is joined on the fields of Armageddon in northern Israel.
To quote one of the many Book of Revalation "experts" Ted Hagee
"This is no weak-wristed (gay?), smiling Jesus come to pay the earth a condolence call. This is a furious Christ ready to confront the armies of the world."
I've always kind of hoped that Abraham would be the holy equivalent of the guy in Honk Kong action movies who stands very still for most of the movie and doesn't do anything until the last 10 minutes when he goes f#cking BALLISTIC. Anyone prepared to stab his own son is going to be f#cking badass in a fight. (Think Jet Li in Lethal Weapon 4.)
8. Jesus wins. The Antichrist is chained to a lake of fire and Christ rules over an new kingdom on earth that will endure for 1000 years. Satan is locked away in hell and all the Raptured return to live on earth to lord it over all the dead people, burn books that they don't agree with and discover fossils that show dinosaurs co-existed with man.
9. Being a sporting chap Jesus decides to let Satan and the Antichrist out for one last shot at the big time. And its now the Main Event. God versus the Devil! God wins, Satan forever vanquished and the earth is destroyed (WTF?) and a new earth descends from the heavens and it will be a world without sin.
Doesn't this seem like an admission on Gods part that he kind of f#cked up the first time?
The End.
The rapture must be a attractive proposition to some, George Bush probably rates it among his top 3 workable exit strategies in Iraq but there are one or two problems i have with what this entirely plausible tale is doing to the world right now.
According to a 2002 CNN/Time survey just under 60% of Americans believe that all the pants-on-head crazy sh#t from the book of Revalation will come true and 20% of those crazies believe its going to happen in their lifetime. And some of these Muppets are trying to do things!
And thats what I'll be covering in part 2...........
User Comments / Add a Comment »
i say, good show, sir, eh, wot? seriously, though, at what point does tom cruise come in with a smug grin only to be nailed in the doo-doo hole by mickey mouse?
Added: 985 days ago by sanncc
100% well done
Added: 1291 days ago by Pacifist
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