The Secret Diary of George W Bush
Friday, July 25, 2008
Condi called to yak about some bullsh#t when I was in the middle of a siesta. Goddamn that b#tch can talk. Asked the Secret Service guys if any of them could do a halfway decent impression of me but the lazy buzz-cuts said they wouldn't "feel comfortable making national policy." Fags.
Laura read me a review of that Batman film the gay cowboy died in. She says that the Wall Street Journal thinks that I'm the inspiration for Batman!!!! Hehheh Badass. Can't wait to tell Dick. Nahna-nahna-nahnananah Bushman! bushman bushman! And I totally get it. Me and Bruce Wayne are both rich and we're both out to punish the evildoers for attempting to/actually killing our Pappys. Only difference is I got Saddam, who's Brucey-boy got? Still crying into his black pyjamas. Wuss.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Can't get that god-damned Batman song out of my head. Called round Dick's office and invited him round to watch The Dark Knight (thats me! hehheh not sure I'm comfortable with the dark bit tho) but he said he was too busy running the country. And I said " Yeah right into the ground hahaha" and hightailed it before he could get his Think-Before-You-Shoot mittens off. Gotta give the secret service guy who thought of those a medal. Although I've noticed him practising pulling his 12 gauge trigger with his tongue. Maybe look into Silence of the Lambs facemask?
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Goddamn it, chilli fries go through me like crap through a goose. Missed most of the morning on the pan doin' some Jackson Pollocks. Watched the Dark Knight with Dick. He said that Batman was a fag who didn't even pack an Uzi. Then he tried to say that The Terminator was based on him. As if! I was totally getting on the phone to Ahnuld to call bullshit but he pulled out a phased plasma rifle in the 40 watt range which he'd had Nasa knock up for his next hunting trip. "This f#cking thing will kill Bambi and rape her f#cking mother ahahahha, I've been using it to solve our homeless veteran problem all week. MAN IS THE DEADLIEST F#CKING PREY YOU KNOW. YOU FAGGOT! You've never killed a living thing you b#tch never seen the exquisite whimper in a dying souls eyes as you pull their balls out through the hole your Phased Plasma Rilfle has exploded their guts out of have you you c#nt?" Its best to leave him alone when he gets in his moods.
The secret service taught me a Rhyme to help keep me safe with Dick.
if his mouth starts to foam, leave him alone
If his face turns red, run and hide in the bed
If he goes for his gun, Zigzag while you run
Monday, July 28, 2008
Called Ahnuld to see if the Terminator really was based on Dick. He said it was all about "Bhoobies, I only vish that moar peeple vuld understand that it was reelly all about ze Bhoobies. Back zen ze script was about AHNULD rescuing ze Linda Connor fromm pregnanzy so her magnificent Bhoobies would not go old grandmuter soggy like ze custard filled zocks so that I could place my footlong zybernetic Schwarzecockken into her creamy busom valley in ze future. But ze Kali-fornjah movie homos queered it up." I knew Dick was talking a great big plate of BS.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Family day at the White House today. Jenna and Babs were late and tired at breakfast as usual. I keep asking them what sports they are playing from 10pm to 8am every night in downtown D.C. So far all I've got out them is "swinging". Swinging what? Golf clubs, tennis rackets? Good that they aren't taking any sh#t from guys though. Heard Babs say that a guy was so huge they had to double team him. Thats the spirit girls.
Dick made a scene when he shot the chef for cooking his steak more than the two seconds he allows. Honestly I don't know why he doesn't just have it raw. He's always a bit testy when his daughter Mary is here. She gets on great with the girls though, they share recipes and talk nice polite republican women talk. Mary was talking about "Beef Curtains" which i gather are cooked rare as they are pink inside and Jenna kept saying how she couldn't give up meat poles (THEY SOUND AWESOME!) for beef curtains. I asked the chef if he could get me some but the paramedics said he had flat-lined.
The girls had their Jello-shot night-caps and went to bed around noon and I spent the rest of the day in the panic room while the guards were trying to hit Cheney with the trank-dart. I swear that crazy peckerhead has the skin of a rhino.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
I am an economic genuis! While Dick was having his Diazepam dream time I had a look in his office and found the reports he says are "FOR MEN WHO HAVE BEEN BLOODED ONLY." Get this, we have been stockpiling oil for years. We got more barrels lying around than the Crawford Ranch has got armadillos. And so have Chevron and Mobil and all Dick's buddies. We've got loads of the stuff. And get this. Every time the price of gas goes up the value of all those barrels of oil we've got just lying around goes up as well. By just putting the price of gas up a cent I've made $20 billion! I've signed E.O. 1207 which will raise gas prices by $25 per gallon and I'll pay of the national debt by next week. Take that you faggy Democraps!
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Been on the naughty step all day today. My ass is sore.
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