Added: 1307 days ago by Stuart Heritage | Posted in: Politics | 20 Comments

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<div align='center'><a href='http://www.kontraband.com/blog/14426/Is-It-Too-Late-For-John-McCain-Not-Yet-It-Isnt/'>Is It Too Late For John McCain? Not Yet It Isn't</a><br><div align='center'></div><br><a href='http://www.kontraband.com/blog'>See more like this on kontraband.com</a></div>

Stuart Heritage, editor of Hecklerspray, lays out a foolproof way for John McCain to win next week's general election.

As things stand, with less than a week to go until what some people are calling the most important US election of a lifetime, it looks very much like Barack Obama has got it all sewn up. Hardly a day passes without John McCain slipping further and further in the polls, and in recent days even he seems to have acknowledged that he's probably not going to win.

It goes without saying that this can't happen - old rich white men deserve their turn in power, damnit! - and that's why I've decided to sling together a five-part campaign revival package for John McCain. If McCain follows these instructions to the letter then he'll absolutely be the next president of America by Wednesday morning. Hope you're taking notes, John...

5 - Have a baby and give it a crap name. Look at the boost that Sarah Palin gave the Republican campaign when she was announced as the vice presidential nominee. Was it because she's pretty? Folksy? Adorably patronising to rednecks? No. It's because Sarah Palin knows her way around a terrible kid's name like nobody else. Her children are named Track, Willow, Bristol, Trig and Piper, reflecting her love of running, 1980s fantasy movies about dwarfs, South West England maritime towns, trigonometry and the former WWF wrestler Rowdy Roddy Piper respectively. John McCain should heed this lesson - it's not too late for him to rush out, adopt a baby and call it Fudge. Or Marimba. Or Jism. You get the idea.

4 - Teach your wife some basic human emotions. We know it sounds harsh, John, but it'll help. Next time you go out campaigning with the lovely Cindy, try and force her mouth into some sort of rudimentary smile. We're not sure how you'd actually go about doing this - maybe you'll need to wedge a coat hanger in there, or perhaps you'll have to soften up her cheeks with a hairdryer first - but in my experience voters tend to opt for people who aren't married to murderer-faced female cyborgs who make you piss ice cubes the second they clap eyes on you. Or, you know, buy her a funny hat or something. Anything that stops me dreaming about her strangling me in my sleep would be nice, basically.

3 - Try not to sound like The Penguin. Honestly John McCain, is your pop culture radar really that out of whack? Going out and screeching 'Eeghhh? EEGHHH!' like The Penguin from the 1960s Batman series is beyond ridiculous. After all, everyone knows that the coolest Batman villain this year is The Joker. Next time you want to praise your vice presidential nominee in public, be sure to dye your hair green and plaster white paint across your face beforehand, then stab a pencil through someone's eye and blow up a hospital. Jeez, John, it's like you don't even want to win this election.

2 - Ponies for all. Admittedly I haven't thought this one through very well. I just want a pony.

1 - Become Barack Obama. This one will be a bit tougher to pull off. It's going to take some fairly intense voice modulation training, some borderline-racist skin pigmentation treatments and an almost 180-degree political U-turn. Oh, and some stilts, because you don't want to end up looking like Gary Coleman, do you? Now, I know this is a lot to ask with only five days left before the general election, but I can't help feeling that unless you can actually transform physically, mentally and spiritually into Barack Obama, then you're pretty much effed anyway. Now go get 'em John! You can do it!

Added: 1307 days ago by Stuart Heritage | Posted in: Politics | 20 Comments

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