I was walking in to work today, my scarf flapping in the breeze, Jack Frost biting at my nose while I contemplated the solution to the question of life, the universe and everything, when I started thinking about that no-talent ass clown Isaac Newton. Now I don't know a lot about the guy, other than that he has a douche bag's first name and he's credited with inventing gravity. Something about an apple falling on his head (school science class comes flooding back like a tepid bath of vague recollection).
Inventing is surely the wrong word. He sure as f#ck didn't invent gravity. If he invented it then the apple wouldn't have fallen, it would have casually floated past, or maybe fallen into a slow orbit around his big stupid head. Did he discover gravity? Frankly I don't buy that either. I think even before his fruit inspired proclamation people knew that when they dropped sh#t it fell. Gravity is something of a way of life for all creatures that have ever inhabited the Earth. Even the f#cking dinosaurs knew about that sh#t. Isaac just gave it a name. If I buy a dog and call it Collin have I discovered Collin? Should my name go down in the history books for my fantastical discovery? Of course not. Both the disinterested gum-chewing girl behind the counter at the pet shop and Collin were both aware of his existence before I even thought of buying him.
I'll admit that I'm treading on unknown ground here, given that other than the gravity thing and his brief cameo in The Da Vinci Code I know absolutely nothing about Newton but I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that he's a cock.
Why is it that Isaac is the only one that's allowed to have discovered something that everyone already knew about? Where's the mention of the guy who discovered skin? The intellectual who first noticed air or the genius who realised that there was such a thing as water? No, it's only Isaac.
Wait.
Christopher Columbus. He's another one. Columbus, now there's a world class sh#teater if ever I saw one. Again, I know nothing of the man but how in the hell can you be credited with the discovery of a continent that people are already living on? He didn't discover anything he just went on a mystery holiday. Got in a boat, crossed a sea and did a bit of trespassing.
What a f#ckwit.
User Comments / Add a Comment »
I think "like a tepid bath of vague recollection" gives us fair indication that the level that it came flooding back was more of a trickle than a tidal wave anyway. We so need more blogs like this - the reaction is fantastic! I feel truly enlightened by the various copy and pastes from the interwebz that I've seen in the comments.
Added: 353 days ago by andy
There are many more where this came from. I've already penned one about how I reckon Ghandi was a rapist based on the fact that he looked a bit 'rapey'. Stay tuned!
Added: 353 days ago by andopolis
He's not credited with inventing or discovering gravity. He's credited with discovering the mathematical relationship between mass, distance, and gravity. So just because you get your information from picture books doesn't make what you say true.
Added: 353 days ago by zkhatib
Isaac Newton was actually a bit of a don when it comes to pretty much everything we do today.
Columbus can eat shit though. He discovered something that a whole bunch of other people had discovered a good few thousand years before him. Douche.
Added: 353 days ago by vondoug
And airplane food, WHATS UP WITH THAT?
Added: 354 days ago by Ninjabryan
lol
Added: 353 days ago by hackenbeck
LOL!
Added: 353 days ago by andopolis
Newton also developed differential calculus. try doing any serious math or engineering without that mate
Added: 354 days ago by scottyboy27
Once again american ignorance shows no bounds. Please we want to hear you half baked theorys about the universe, youve spent 15mins thinking about it and think youve come to some intresting conclusions. Well i hate to break your bubble but there is a lot more to than just an apple falling on your head, there was quite a bit of maths involved.
Think before opening your mouth, or even better do some research.
Added: 354 days ago by Bob3terd
I think he covered himself well when he stated REPEATEDLY that he knew nothing about Isaac Newton. Stop looking for excuses to inflate your own ego.
Added: 354 days ago by Spandex
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