Added: 337 days ago by Stuart Heritage | Posted in: World | 5 Comments

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<div align='center'><a href='http://www.kontraband.com/blog/15261/How-To-Survive-The-Festive-Season/'>How To Survive The Festive Season</a><br><div align='center'></div><br><a href='http://www.kontraband.com/blog'>See more like this on kontraband.com</a></div>

Stuart Heritage from Hecklerspray helps YOU smash through your festive fears...

Christmas, yes, OK - baby Jesus, Santa Claus, goodwill to all men, God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen and all that nonsense. It's the most wonderful time of the year, we're told. But it's not. Christmas is a massive pain in the ass, and everybody knows it.

But it needn't be, and that's why I've decided to share my fail-safe, no-nonsense five-point Christmas Survival Guide with you. Follow my lead and your Christmas will be almost completely painless. My fee? Nothing - after all, it is the season to be jolly. Tra la la la la. La la. La la.

1. Food - According to a recent survey, the average person consumes 7000 calories on Christmas day alone. That's almost three times more than the recommended daily intake for males, pushing four times the recommended female intake and close to a third of what Dan Ackroyd eats for breakfast these days. But not this Christmas - for every piece of food I eat, I'll also gobble down an equal portion of high-grade military laxative. True, I'll spend most of my valuable time off work writhing in agony on the toilet, passing jets of boiling liquid cr#p out of my backside but, hey, at least I'll look good in a leotard afterwards.

2. Television - Everyone knows what Christmas television is like, especially in England, I'm sure it's the same the whole world over - a crappy film, Noel Edmonds patronising the poor and a double episode of EastEnders so unremittingly bleak that you'll feel like throwing yourself under a bus by teatime. But digital TV has opened up a world of alternatives, so I suggest you do as I do and spend your Christmas evening watching Ross Kemp smash the face off an Irishman in 'Ultimate Force' on ITV4. Not your cup of tea? Then why not find all the different ways that your Christmas tree can kill you on 'So You Think You're Safe?' on Sky 3? No? How about 'Trawlermen' on Dave - a documentary about, um, some trawlermen. None of those? Jesus, I'm not sure if you even deserve a television, you know...

3. Relatives - There isn't a family on Earth who doesn't have some form of tedious elderly relative-visiting rigmarole to plough through each Christmas. It's not fun, but then visiting a great aunt who can barely remember your name and insists on treating you like a five-year-old even though you graduated from university a decade ago isn't supposed to be fun. It's God's punishment for all the terrible things you've done in the preceding 12 months, and never let anyone tell you otherwise. But I always make sure I can take something from these visits - an important life lesson or a feeling of generational belonging if possible. But, failing that, a handful of the money from the shoebox my great aunt keeps under her bed. I'm not picky.

4. Everyone gets a pony - Look, I've told you before, I really want a pony. Somebody buy me a f#cking pony already, OK?

5. Unwanted gifts - Every year it's the same. Hideous migraine-inducing sweaters, socks the colour of baby-puke, the completely unasked-for DVD of 'What Women Want' starring Mel Gibson. And every year they fester away in a pile at the back of a cupboard, never to be looked at again. You could always donate these gifts to charity, you know - that way you'd be helping someone, reducing space in your own home and easing your nagging sense of charity-ignoring guilt. But why do that when the simpler alternative is to burn down your own house and pretend that they were all plasma screen TVs as part of an elaborate insurance fraud? Huh? Isn't that the real spirit of Christmas? Huh?

Oh, and I was lying about the 'no fee' bit. You all owe me £20.

Added: 337 days ago by Stuart Heritage | Posted in: World | 5 Comments

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