Chris Rock said that whatever music you're listening to when you first start getting laid is pretty much the music you're going to love for the rest of your life and I totally agree. I'd also expand it to include the clothes you were wearing (I miss my El Charro jacket) and the films you were watching.Well I lost my virginity directly after watching Candyman so horror movies have always occupied a special place in my heart.
Now I'm not claiming that either the movie or the sex would go down as all time classics but I still look back on both fondly. They were enjoyable, straightforward and had effective thrills. Happily, sex has improved since then. But horror movies, well, they're completely sh#t now. Just f#cking awful.
I went to see A Haunting in Connecticut at the weekend and Jesus Harold Christ it was a such a tedious pile of cr#p. Don't get me wrong, I jumped on a couple of occasions, but who wouldn't when you've got a million decibel cinema BLASTING a huge orchestral crash every time you've nearly fallen asleep? I can't say the acting or the dialogue were cr#p, although believe me they were, because that's par for the course with horror movies, but besides the mandatory cheap scares the film had nothing. The characters were nothing and the ghosts were creepy for about 3 seconds.
I lay a lot of the blame for the current cr#pness of horror at the door of the man who decided that every horror movie MUST start with the words "based on a true story." No it's f#cking not. I know it's f#cking not. I have f#cking Google you bastard. I checked. And why the f#ck would I want a horror movie based on a true story?
Pinhead
Freddy
Jason
Alien
Four of the most iconic movie monsters of all time and are any of them based on f#cking true stories? Are they f#ck. And that's the problem. Realistic, or what passes for realistic in Hollywood, monsters/ghosts/killers, are always going to be dull in comparison to a guy who has hammered 40 nails into his own head or the b#stard son of 100 maniacs who kills you in your dreams.
Wolf Creek
The Strangers
Vacancy
Wrong Turn
Can you remember the names of the villains in these films? I can't. It's just a bunch of random dudes who are a bit ugly. The only horror movies I've seen recently with memorable bad guys have been the remakes of Friday the 13th and Halloween, and what stands out about them is how inferior the noughties versions are to the originals. And that's because they tried to make both Jason and Michael more F#CKING REALISTIC!
There's one more thing that really needs to be addressed. Horror movies MUST have an 18 rating (R in Yankland). There's been far too many 15 rated horror movies recently. I get that studios want to make more money from having a wider and less demanding demographic able to see their films, but all these films feel so watered down it essentially renders them redundant. At the other end of the scale the movies that are 18s, the Hostels and their ilk which chuck ridiculous amounts of gore at the screen, are brutal yes, but not scary.
I watched Nightmare on Elm Street when I was young, maybe 10 or 11, and it scared the sh#t out of me. I was scared to go to sleep at night for months after it and you know what image from it stuck with me, the one that I saw every time my eyelids got heavy? It wasn't the fountain of Johnny Depp's blood or the girl getting bounced around the ceiling, it was Freddy walking down a dark alley with his extended arms scraping along a fence. No violence, no gore, but it was dripping with suspense and the promise of terror to come.
Please someone. Make horrors scary again. And a few exploding parakeets couldn't hurt as well.
User Comments / Add a Comment »
we tend to remember the good, there were swathes of dross in the 80's and 90's, too. but i have to agree, horror is dead in hollywood. get rid of the comedy-horrors, tongue in cheek gorefests and the bland
Added: 963 days ago by velvetbird
finally, someone who shares the same views! i was trying to put my finger on the source of recent horror movie suckage, but now i don't have to.
excellent read. excellent opinions. i love you.
Added: 987 days ago by TaborMallory
watch "the orphanage" (or "el orfanato" in its original title) if you want the suspense and not so much surprise-horror
Added: 934 days ago by fgbaalls
i agree. haunting in conneticut was absolute shit as is every modern horror film. all they have left in their bag is a bunch of torture-porn snuff where you see tits for the first 45 mins, and people on hooks for
Added: 988 days ago by NasserInASaucer
it's because the world's adopted a cookie cutter mentality.....everything is the same, only the names & prices are different.
they're so concerned to put out shit for the "masses" that the die ha
Added: 989 days ago by lohocla
i love horror movies...and i`ve been looking for the scariest movies of all time...and the ones that came up i`ve already seen and those were weak...so i hope to **** they`ll bring back the good ol` shit ur pants k
Added: 989 days ago by ateiviz
"the ring" or "the grudge" both where good
Added: 989 days ago by Nightscape
it is true there are so many moves out that are utter crap, and should never be shown in public. all the movies listed are iconic and brilliant in there own right.. but for the reason that it had never been
Added: 989 days ago by Nightscape
i didn't mind wolf creek but defo agree on the others and more exploding parakeets. also anyone remember the re-animator?
Added: 990 days ago by Strickly K
watched candyman the other day, soooo lame to how i remembered it....but i have to admit it scared the crap out of me at the time!
Added: 990 days ago by Elliebear
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