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<div align='center'><a href='http://www.kontraband.com/blog/19065/Battlestar-Galactica-vs-Star-Trek-TNG/'>Battlestar Galactica vs. Star Trek: TNG</a><br><div align='center'></div><br><a href='http://www.kontraband.com/blog'>See more like this on kontraband.com</a></div>

In the dark recesses of distant galaxies the soft mechanical hum of a passing spacecraft...If you like your TV sci-fi, chances are you might have see one of the above two TV shows. Both great shows in their own right, one the work of a visionary producer about the utopian ideals of exploring outer space, peacefully, to further our knowledge and understanding. The other transcends the genre of sci-fi and is a complex consideration of what it means to be human, the decisions we make, the reality-tunnels we involve ourselves in, the regrets, the confusion, the misunderstandings, the need to survive, the questioning.

But which one is best? Which one would win in an epic, ugly, explosion-ridden, hub-destroying, spaceship-rattling space battle? There's only one way to find out, FIIIIIIIIIIGHT!

The Galactica vs. USS Enterprise (NCC-1701-D)
The Galactica: Functions both as an aircraft carrier - used as a launch base for the Vipers and Raptors - and also a battleship. It is 4720ft long and can house 4 squadrons of 20 Vipers, a crew of 5000, has two FTL (faster-than-light) drives that allow the ship to travel interstellar distances by folding up space - so it can jump across vast distances - as well as propulsion systems powered by tylium ore, a refined fuel, for its 6 sublight and 40 manoeuvring engines. It has Kinetic Energy Weapons, missile and nuclear warheads as well as the Raptors and Vipers, and point defence guns to repel attacks, but no shield. Last seen taking a final journey into the heart of our Sun along with the rest of the Colonial Fleet's ships.

Enterprise: The USS Enterprise is a 24th century starship, Galaxy-class and the 5th Federation starship to be called Enterprise. It is 2103ft long and houses a shuttlecraft and the Captain's yacht. It can hold a crew of up to 5000, but the standard is 1012, and can reach a maximum speed of warp 9.95. Warp speed is a faster-than-light (FTL) propulsion system. Instead of instantaneous travel between two points it creates an artificial bubble of normal space-time that the ship travels through. As well as this it has an impulse drive for below light speed travel and thrusters. It has phasers and photon torpedoes for armaments along with deflector shields to repel attacks. As an aside the Enterprise has transporters, the holodeck and the replicator. Last seen crashing on Veridian III, shortly before the Veridian Sun went supernova.

Verdict: Well what can we say here, the Galactica was about to be retired just before the Cylon attack, so it's a beast that's at the end of its life. A brutal animal, bruised, scarred, injured. Ready to lie down and die. The Enterprise is quick, can manoeuvre like a penguin in water with an FTL drive. It has phasers, warp drive, it's smaller, quicker. There's no contest really, the Enterprise would take a giant nebula space sh#t on Galactica.


The Women
Battlestar: Now this is important, and in my mind Battlestar has far hotter looking ladies. The beautiful Cylon Number Six, Tricia Helfer is, to my degenerate mind, the hottest babe in sci-fi. As toaster's go, she is a Dualit combi stainless steel in crotchless Agent Provocateur. There are also Grace Park who plays Boomer, Dee, Lucy Lawless - Xena: Warrior Princess no less, Starbuck, President Rosalin and Ellen - the older women for all you Oedipal mother complex freaks out there. All of them beautiful, if I had to repopulate the human race with them, Cylon or not, I'd put my hand up and go, "Oh go on then, you guys deal with the fighting, the warmongering, the lasers - all that cr#p, I'll get busy on the repopulating. Leave it with me. I know, I know, it's a selfless act, but that's the kind of decent, chivalrous human being I am."

SNG: So who do they have in Star Trek? Beverley Crusher? Hmm...Or perhaps Deanna Troi? A woman so wispy and pathetic she makes a wet flannel covered in pity look like a mechanical android with fire for a face and hatred for hands sent from the future to destroy mankind and rape our animals. So that's a no. Who else? Tasha Yar? I say yar, she's feisty, she's fun, she's in. So's her sister, Ishara. So's Ro Laren. And in the great tradition of Captain Kirk, if we look to the aliens who do we have? The Borg Queen? The danger makes it attractive in a egg-shell cancer victim covered in egg-white kind of way.

Verdict: I think Battlestar wins this one. I'd much rather spend my downtime getting to know Number Six et al, than with the Star Trek honeys.


Commander Adama vs. Captain Jean-Luc Picard
Adama: His head looks a bit like a pickled walnut, but his voice has the air of authority that could herd blind cats with ADD. He's aggressive when needed, makes difficult choices under immense pressure, but also sometimes lacks a calm head, and can often be too military minded. Adama is flawed, human, and fallible. He has the misgivings of power, the doubts and regrets of a man who's made the wrong decisions. He's pained, tortured. A leader that can lead, very well, but someone who struggles with internal demons. He's also ferocious, intelligent and a man who would lay down and die for the men and women of his fleet. A father figure and a man of his word. Galactica is a battleship and Adama is a man constantly confronted with difficult decisions that he is forced to make. He constantly reassesses what he is and who he can trust. He's a decent man in a indecent world.

Picard: He's the quintessential humanitarian philosopher, Plato's Philosopher-King, a renaissance man, into music, art, poetry - a Ressikan flute playing muthaf#cker you can look up and aspire to. A man who's not afraid to show his affection for his officers. But, while the Battlestar is a war craft, we must remember that the Enterprise is primarily a ship for exploration and scientific discovery, so the captain is a diplomat, a man of knowledge, a man of letters, gracious, benevolent, kind. A man who commands not by fear but by respect, and the adoration only the wise can muster. And a man who can facepalm like the best of them, goddammit.

Verdict: In a low down dirty dog-fight Adama would probably pop Picard's bald head like an overfilled water-balloon and stamp on his ankles. But these are men of honour. While both are solid, courageous, daring, Picard has a sense of humility and humour that could convince you to nuke a nursery full of angels. Picard ftw.


Cylons vs. The Borg
Cylons: Imagine a dog-fight between a Cylon baseship and the Borg Cube? Epic? Jizz. In. My Kinglon underwear. The epicist, so epic I've had to make up a word just to describe how mind-blowingly grand such a battle would be. The Cylon baseship is made of both mechanical and organic matter, and has the ability to launch hundreds of Raiders whenever the hell they feel like it, which is pretty much whenever they see humans, carrying nearly 800 on a single ship. It has missiles and nuclear missiles and a Cylon based jump-system that's superior to the fleet's. The Cylons have scores of centurions to do their dirty work, resurrection if they die within range of a resurrection ship, and have superhuman strength. Unfortunately though, as they were created in our image - like any self-respecting ego-maniacs would do - they are susceptible to the fleshy harm we are, the bludgeoning to death, the sprained ankles, the banging your knee on the science station - that sort of thing.

Borg: The Borg Cube functions as part of the Borg Collective and can be anything as big as 29 cubic km in volume. That's one big muthaf#cking Rubik's puzzle. It has transwarp capabilities, self-regeneration facilities, adaptability to any assault, tractor and cutting beams and missiles. And we've seen a single cube take on entire federation fleets. The Borg themselves are the near perfect machine, live in a hive known as the Borg Collective, are phaser resistant, have a visual spectrum beyond humans (unlike the Cylons, much to Cavil's frustration) and, obviously, can assimilate quick as look at you. Resistance is futile, indeedy.

Verdict: So, who wins? Difficult, considering the Borg have roamed the universe assimilating billions of life-forms they could be a pretty tough enemy. The Cylons have flaws, and are by no means the perfect machine, although the creators made them with free will and created them in the image of the greatest "machines" in the universe, man. Man can outwit many things, but how long can you keep running? Plus destroy the Cylon's resurrection ships and hub and they're just as mortal as us mere...mortals. I think the Borg win this, their cube could destroy the baseship like swatting a fly with a giant's flip-flop. They are a methodical, inhuman, automaton of an enemy. Our worst fears.


Sooo after this rigorous and fail-safe scientific analysis I can conclude that the winner is...Star Trek: TNG with a score of 3-1. Hmmm, I started writing this with the express intention of awarding the coveted prize to Battlestar, but no. Science would have it otherwise. Ah well, TNG do have an excellent rap song. The Frakkers.

So that's it, I'm off to make-out with my blow-up Number Six...May the gods be with you.

Added: 910 days ago by Kevin Holmes | Posted in: Nerdcore | 18 Comments

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