A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, daughter and dog. The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."
The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute."
The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."
The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."
And so begins this infamous joke that has been told again and again, perhaps never the same way, by stand-up comedians since the vaudeville era. After this intro the father then explains the act to the agent. The idea is for the comedian to describe the act in the most shocking way possible, using explicit language, debased sexual acts, violence, depravity, making it outrageously offensive, and the joke ends with the punchline:
"For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?"
And the father says, "The Aristocrats!"
So it's all about describing the act, that's the joke, not the actual punchline. It has
this website dedicated to collating different versions where you can upload your own, and has had a documentary made about it featuring various comedians telling their versions and talking about its history called, unsurprisingly, The Aristocrats, where many of these are taken from.
It is a joke that is boundless and subversive, disclosing the superficiality of morals while pushing the boundaries of taste, a barometer of taboos throughout the ages. It is also a filthy joke that we can guiltily snigger at, the lowest common denominator, using the most horrendous material that comes to mind, wholly politically incorrect. And that's what makes it so transgressive and appealing.
It's also a sort of game comedians play with each other to try and out shock one another, to see who can come up with the filthiest, the crudest, most appalling, smutty, obscene and offensive version. It's like a mental work-out for seeing how low you can go. Humans always stretch their brains by mental exercises: crosswords, Sudoku, IQ testing. Well this is the same but at the opposite end of the moral scale. SNL comedian Chevy Chase used to hold parties where you'd have to tell the joke for 30 minutes without repeating any of the acts. A hoot no doubt, and not the easiest of things to do.
So, leave your morals and prudishness at the door, here's a selection of some of the best:
1. Kevin Pollack
This is my favourite version of this joke, it's not necessarily the rudest or most inventive, but it's performed in the voice of Christopher Walken, of which Mr Pollack is a master. Comedy, of the platinum-battered gold variety.
2. Leatherface
Yes, when he's not hanging teenagers onto meat hooks or eating their flesh he likes to tell his favourite joke, as you can imagine it's a particularly gruesome version.
3. South Park
It had to be Cartman who tells the joke, and just because he's telling it to a his friends, who are all children - meaning none of them get it - doesn't mean it's any tamer. Speaking of telling the joke to children...
4. Doug Stanhope
He gets extra points for telling the joke to his 1 year old son as a bed time story before he goes to sleep for the night. It's hard to tell if the kid likes the joke or not, but I think he approves.
5. Bob Saget
Using the foulest of language and the crudest of humour, involving sodomy and plenty of arbitrary filth, this is simply hilarious. Go Bob.
6. Gilbert Gottfried
In his unique voice: hoarse, loud and obnoxious he tells the joke with plenty of bestiality, incest, fisting, licking, sh#tting, p#ssing, fingering, f#cking, cunnilingus, blood - the usual ingredients.
7. Sarah Silverman
The wonderful Ms Silverman makes the joke her own by including herself in it, telling it like she was reminiscing about old times. Brilliant.
8. Steven Banks
It's not always in the words as this performance from mime artist Stevens Banks shows. As well Aristocrats joke teller he's also head writer on surreal aquatic animation SpongeBob SquarePants. Why not
combine the two?
9. That Guy With The Glasses
This is what's it's all about, long, filthy, truly offensive, the sort of joke that would have you arrested in some states, and put to the chair in others. God bless this man.
10. Eric Mead
The Aristocrats as card trick, so you can show it to the kids at your son's birthday party. Then wait for the calls from angry parents demanding to know why their sons and daughters are asking them what "jack-off" means.
11. The Ultimate Aristocrats
To end on here's the joke told by a compilation of many of the
comedians and comediennes that featured in the documentary The Aristocrats, and it's a great version.
User Comments / Add a Comment »
well done old boy...thank you for addressing this timeless classic for everyone to enjoy!!!
Added: 875 days ago by EMigma
sooooo true!
Added: 873 days ago by Elliebear
loved this blog kevin :)
Added: 875 days ago by AlphaDog
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