America: A Warning From The Future
In 2016 it's dark days for the American dream. The country is a desolate landscape of distributed wealth and free health care.
Good day fellow Americans, I have been sent back in time from the year 2016AD by concerned parties to warn you of what is to come...
In 2016 it's dark days for the American dream. The country is a desolate landscape of distributed wealth and free health care. All that's left of this barren wasteland that was once so beautiful and alive is the commie-red nutrient-free earth. And some rivers, mountains, lakes, birds, waterfalls, forests, canyons. And buildings. And people. And society. But not as we knew it. Not commerce as we know it. It's now commie commerce. Under the guise of something called taxation - I'm not sure if that's even a word in this period - they take part of our earnings and use them to fund national institutions that help the needy, and, I can barely bring myself to say it: immigrants.
America is now a socialist country, everything is owned by the people, resources are allocated equally no matter how many guns you have or how many misspelt placards you wave. There was a time, in 2009, when a misspelt placard felt like the protest equivalent of a twelve-bore opening up the back of a small mammal's skull. Not any more.
Now private health care is a story we tell our children at night to ease them to sleep, hushing their trembling cries of terror at a state funded health care system, easing their pain, telling them that one day it will be back. Bigger, better, exclusive. And more expensive then ever.
But for now the horror of the status quo, like Mexicans freely crossing the border for dental care. MEXICANS! In fact, they come across in a sort of parade, in garish colours, singing and dancing, chanting in a foreign tongue. Dressed in mutated cowboy hats or coloured bondage masks and tight lycra pants, scaring young American children, farm animals and the local sheriff alike. All this paid for by the American tax dollar. Then when they get over here they are put up in our homes, our wives are theirs to do with what they please, while they await their free moustache transplants or cancer treatment or life saving operations or whatever nonsense those creeps need. Life saving, pah!
And the president of this soured country now plagued with so much swarming vermin? Castro's son who wasn't even born here, Antonio Castro Soto del Valle, former physician (read homosexual) for Cuba's baseball team. Our relations between Cuba (Cuba!) have never been so cosy (just thinking of it has brought back one of my headaches, let me just take one of my free prescription pills...). Relations are like those between lovers in the early throes of passion. Cuba, a country who torture their dissidents rather than innocent foreigners in far off lands.
And instead of a senate, guess what we have? Czars, hundreds of the f#ckers, swarming all over the constitution like flies round a rotting corpse. They even have a Czar czar. And a Czar czar czar. I remember in President Bush's Godly reign (oh how I miss those war-torn days!), all we had was Dick Cheney. And if you disagreed with him, well, not even the Almighty could save you. Gone are the glory days when libertarians like Glenn Beck were allowed on television to proclaim the truth. Gone is that bastion of investigative journalism Fox News that struggled so hard against the filthy lies of those liberal racists to keep the country infromed, pointing out the hugh mistakes made by our government. Gone.
And in every one of America's schools evolution is taught by those godless liberal animals, polluting the minds of our young. It's worse than when that shit-eating Kenyan was in power back in the dying part of the first decade of the 21st century. And what has become of him? Hiding out with the terrorists and Sarah Palin in the caves of Afghanistan, after a visit to the troops went sour.
The only morsel of hope for this once glorious and bold nation comes from the passionate patriot, that gargantuan asylum of knowledge, Glenn "I GODDAMN F#CKING TOLD YOU F#CKING SO" Beck, who is running for the presidency. Our dear enlightened clown, who for now is a stand-up comedian, actor, waiter, shoe-shiner, writer, dentist, builder, secretary and carpenter (anything to swindle a buck, is how he puts it). He co-authored, along with Dan Brown and David Icke, one of the finest works of literature in the history of mankind: The Lost Cymbal. A touching story about a medieval jazz band who misplaces part of their percussion section; their search takes them to the Vatican where a 12ft lizard Lenin is trying to set up hospitals for the blind. A great read.
Along with these foot soldiers of the War On (the) Error (of Socialism) - catchy name, no? - is George W. Bush, who now resides in Cameroon Park Zoo, Waco, Texas. Where he mournfully masturbates once every 4 minutes, while cackling tourists throw rotting bananas at him which he devours with sticky hands, barely able to sustain breathing through his lack of intelligence. Rumours circulated that he was once beaten in a game of chess by a stone, but it's just salacious rumours. Another soldier; poor, caring, humane Dick Cheney died after a hunting incident where he was shooting at baby otters being nurtured by their mother. He scared a nearby bald eagle which shat in his eyes, causing him to panic and he stumbled off a cliff. No one could be bothered to reclaim the body, so there he rests. I often go down to the spot, hold his skeletal hand in mine, and think about all the un-American women and children we could be waterboarding if this sacred man was still alive.
But, together these brave warriors of decency and hope and money and greed are mounting a campaign to get America back to where it was 10 years ago. At least. Some say they should go back much further, to that zenith of freedom that was the late 1940s to late 1950s when a friend of America and liberty, called Joseph McCarthy, was flushing out those heathen commie rats from every industry they'd crawled their way into. Now there was a man with vision, with strength, with hate for blood. There was a man who, from just a hunch, a knee jerk reaction or taking offense at the way a man wore a tie, could have anybody out of the country quicker than you could plead, "Hey, this is illegal, what about the 5th amendment?", which many of them did of course. This isn't illegal, this is America, Joe would retort.
He would accuse someone in the morning and by lunch time they'd be living in exile in some third world hellhole, let's say Britain, eating commie rice and lemongrass. Ha! How I long for those days, for a time when paranoia and fear could be neatly packaged into mindlessly accusing whoever the f#ck you wanted to of being a commie or homosexual. Careers ruined, lives destroyed, that was what made America great. If your neighbour broke that lawnmower you lent him or he stared at you wife inappropriately, you could just point a finger and scream, "Burn HIM! He's one of them!" And before you knew it his house would be set alight, his family ground down into mince and shipped to China, and his life would become a pendulum of pain, anguish and a never-ending, eternally burning hate. And those were the lucky ones.
Ah the memories, but I digress.
I plead you to heed this sharp warning of mine, or else, suffer the dire consequences.
But for now I need to get back to my own time. Anyone know where I can pick up a flux capacitor?