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<div align='center'><a href='http://www.kontraband.com/blog/19792/Cinemas-Twelve-Best-Giant-Monsters/'>Cinema's Twelve Best Giant Monsters</a><br><div align='center'></div><br><a href='http://www.kontraband.com/blog'>See more like this on kontraband.com</a></div>

Monsters have always been a part of our collective unconscious, born from the same place that gave our ancestors their futile gods. Probably. They've been part of human culture since we've known how to fear. You can trace their modern cultural path from the Ancient Greeks, through literature and psychology, the Japanese kaiju (meaning "strange beast") movies to Hollywood incarnations. And the mother-in-law. As well as being symbols of atomic warfare, metaphors for terrorism and a post-9/11 world, Jungian archetypes, political commentary and Ray from Ghost Busters inability to grow up, they also kick-ass on a big screen. Looming like a savage deadline with teeth and a tail, showing us that when it comes to metropolis-destroying monsters, size matters. As this chart shows.

1. Godzilla
Before Japan had tentacle pr0n and school girls, they had monsters. Lots of them: Mothra, Gamera, King Ghidorah, Rodan and most famously and firstly was Godzilla whose movie Gojira in 1954 was something of a revelation. He went on to star in 28 movies, beat that Brad Pitt! And was a movie sensation. But, sadly, never once did he receive a nomination for Best Foreign Language Film, let alone an actual Oscar for Best Actor. The Academy makes me sick. Initially representing the nuclear fears over Hiroshima and Nagasaki, he went on to become a cultural icon, as loved and recognisable as America's superheroes. In the land of the giant monsters Godzilla is king and could annihilate a small town with one of his mecha-farts.

2. King Kong
Just how big would King Kong's dong be? Hmm. Something to ponder. Pooled from our collective unconsciousness he's a modern myth, a Jungian archetype represented as raging monster or tragic antihero, the beast within us all. He even made the leap into video-games with Donkey Kong. The original 1933 movie, while its effects have dated, maintains a kind of ethereal, unnatural quality; haunting, eerie and mysterious like a dream. A cultural icon and movie legend. Like Dr Johnson said, "He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man" Or ape.

3. Cloverfield monster
A post-9/11 movie without the overbearing sentimentality that someone like Spielberg drenches his films in, like War of the Worlds. And while that shaky camera work will make you feel queasier than eating a bucket of deep-fried pizzas while on a rollercoaster, the monster in the movie is HUGE, and terrifying. Kudos to JJ Abrams for making a modern monster movie and actually taking the time to create a new monster. While Godzilla and Kong have their own charm, a likeable pet-like quality, this ferocious fiend is, well, a monster. Horrid, intense, unrelenting and merciless. It's a vile looking b#astard as well, with hanging ape-like arms, sharp teeth and covered in those randy parasites. As with all these types of movies it's great schadenfreude fun seeing a major city recognised the world over getting stomped on by an unstoppable savage behemoth. Get. Some.

4. Cyclops
Not a modern invention this one, but instead a creature from Greek mythology written of in epic poetry. This clip is from The 7th Voyage of Sinbad and it features old school stop-motion model animation. Back before CGI they had the special effects wizard Ray Harryhausen and the marvel of Technicolor, that's how they rolled, and it was enough Goddammit! Odysseus will tell you what a fiend this guy is, he's even more fiendish with furry legs like a centaur. Never p#ss off a one-eyed monster covered in hair, unless it's your own.

5. Kraken
Another mythical creature of ginormous size, a sea monster believed to have dwelt off the coasts of Norway and Iceland. It's had its fair share of movie appearances, Clash of the Titans being one courtesy of our man Ray and most recently in Pirates of the Caribbean, where this clip's from, when it attacks the Edinburgh Trader. Due to its size it can crush a ship like it was made from the tortured imaginations of a misunderstood elf child and has so many tentacles he's probably tickling your back right now.

6. Stay Puft Marshmallow Man
"What did you do Ray?" Yes Ray, what did you do. Seeing Stay Puft's iconic little happy face stomping along New York's streets is one of the great joys of cinema. When thinking of a form that will destroy the world as we know it Ray tries to think of "something that could never possibly destroy us." But his happy smile turns to sour anger once they blast him with their proton packs. But they get the upper hand when they cross the streams and Stay Puft ends up covering New York in marshmallow sticky goodness. Personally I think he just needed a hug.

7. The Host monster
It's like a giant version of the classic fish with legs that hasn't slept in days after a datura and salvia binge, raging about, terrorising South Korea. Created when a 100 bottles of formaldehyde are poured down the drain - a similar incident actually occurred in 2000 when a Korean mortician working for the US military dumped a large amount of formaldehyde down the drain, no monsters yet though. As well as being immense fun the movie also looks at political questions like the US military's presence and what would happen if a giant monster terrorised a city. Could it, for instance, run for mayor? Pertinent indeed.

8. Balrog of Moria
The demonic creature from LOTR, a primordial fire spirit and ferocious muthf#cker, but not for Gandalf the Grey. Gandalf wrestles something twice the size of this when he takes his morning dump, now that's bravery. But he does take on the Balrog valiantly like his balls are made from a thousand rings to rule them all. Battling it for eight long days until, finally, it's defeated, I'd rather him than me. Anything that is a flaming horned beast of rage and anger I try to avoid, and if I was confronted by it, a quick, "Oh look, an Orc in pantyhose" to distract it, and I'm off.

9. Rancor
Jabba, himself no oil painting, has this giant turd with teeth of a beast as his pet. F#ck with him and you'll be face-to-face with this snarling sh#t-fest quicker than you can say, "Where the f#ck's the floor gone?" Cry salty Jedi tears as you're confronted with its malign and hideous presence, then leap for joy as you realise it can easily be defeated by putting...a bone between its teeth! Take that! Who'd a thunk it? Here is that famous scene in Return of the Jedi where it battles a moody, I'm-so-grown-up-now Luke, set to the theme from jaws. Take that post-modernity!

10. Rhedosaurus
From the movie The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms pre-dating by a year its more famous rival Godzilla, this is one of the monster movies, along with Kong, that paved the way for Godzilla and chums. Ray the Man steps up to do the effects as an atomic bomb test in the Arctic Circle unfreezes a long stagnant Rhedosaurus. And it takes it blind unhinged revenge on New York City as a way of saying thanks. Poor New York, second only to Tokyo in the "Top Places To Destroy" if you're a raging 500ft beast. Maybe they get together once a year and go through what they've destroyed, the lives they've ended, the structures devastated and share tips, like people do about vacation destinations.

11. Large creature from The Mist
A great movie, dark, upsetting, turbulent, it has that Assault on Precinct 13/Rio Bravo siege mentality with hideous monsters coming out of the mist to come and drag you, bloodied and desperate, to your untimely death. All the creatures are really creepy, and right at the end of the movie we get to see the giant beast, yet again with tentacles, in its entirety. And it's pretty awesome, shifting about on its creepy-insect legs, moaning and roaring, looking like an elephant choking on a giant squid - a thing from another realm. Although these monsters are very real and powerful, it's also the monsters within that drive these people to their doom. Yeah.

12. Sandworms (Shai-Hulud)
From David Lynch's adaptation of Dune. Now, these are big, like incomprehensible gargantuan f#ck yeah! size. It could swallow everything on this list in a single mouthful and still be peckish, so if we're talking size these guys would win - monstrous beings believed by the Fremen to be the direct actions of God: God as a f#ck off big sandworm, I can dig that, something I could respect and worship. they're practically indestructible and with a lifespan of 1000s of years they're pretty hardcore as giant monstrosities go. Here's a scene from David Lynch's Dune where Kyle MacLachlan pwns one of them - you really get a feel for their colossal size.

Added: 958 days ago by Kevin Holmes | Posted in: Nerdcore | 7 Comments

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