Added: 854 days ago by Kevin Holmes | Posted in: Internetz | 7 Comments

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<div align='center'><a href='http://www.kontraband.com/blog/19898/Ninjas-On-Vacation/'>Ninjas On Vacation</a><br><div align='center'></div><br><a href='http://www.kontraband.com/blog'>See more like this on kontraband.com</a></div>

So, the end of summer, it's a time when the ninjas here at Kontraband go away on holiday to exotic climes, to drink elaborate cocktails off the naked breasts of local waitresses, nutshot the natives, eat endangered animals, desecrate holy places of worship, fight with the local law enforcement, burn the rainforests for firewood, fight Somali pirates and limbo until our spinal columns snap like the crushing jaws of reality after realising you've left the house without any pants on, and today's the day you fight for promotion.

Because although we sleep with one eye open, while balancing on an eyebrow and always in the ninja stance, ready for an attack from our many, many enemies sometimes we need to chill. We need to get sun-burnt until we resemble Zoidberg in Bermuda shorts and drink lots of cheap foreign booze that'll make us dance on the heads of dwarves and leave us shouting fluorescent soup into the sands of a remote beach, burying the foul bile quickly, hoping that no-one'll notice until the next day when a small child trips over and lands face down it in. We need to pretend that we're going away to seek the sights, sounds and culture of another world, another land, to savour the unspoken pleasure of seeing another race and their local customs. When in reality we'll just be staring at topless women on the beach, nursing a pounding hangover and telling ourselves to move into the cooling shade, then realising we'll already there and it's still 100 degrees. While also taking notes on the size of ladies' thongs and the plumpness of their butt cheeks, researching future picture galleries for the greater good. We'll also be arguing with local taxi drivers over the outrageous fares they'll no doubt charge us, spotting our spoilt, pale, pasty, junk food ridden Western bodies, and the scent of money coming off our socks with sandals ensemble and faux designer shades.

So the usual KB team will be dwindled, we'll be flying the flag at half-mast, lamely limping along with the remaining office-monkeys coping as best they can. Which'll mainly mean crying, arguing and fighting about who's getting the bacon in and whose turn it is to have a break down because we can't print that picture of Keyboard Cat making out with Emma Watson. Thus, tragically, regretfully, the updates will be lighter. Especially on pictures and the blog, which will no doubt make the days longer, the edging ever closer to death will become almost tangible, the relentless boredom of the working day an abhorrent reality. Of maybe you'll not even notice.

For the lighter updates we can only apologise, but blame the scumbags who think they deserve a break in their working lives. There was talk of replacing the absentees with infant marmosets, a brain in a jar, those nodding dogs you see in cars, a see-saw, a coin-operated fortune-telling dinosaur, a pack of tarot cards, the Doozers from Fraggle Rock, the spittle from a rabid dog, a dozen lolcat images and the entire cast of Golden Girls (until we realised most of them were dead). But they wanted a job to come back to, and job security is paramount in these troubled times, so we just decided we'd try and share their responsibilities amongst the remaining few. It's going to be tough for them, pity their ineptitude, but most of all abuse them, heckle them, and demand to know why a full update is not occurring.

Added: 854 days ago by Kevin Holmes | Posted in: Internetz | 7 Comments

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