Added: 825 days ago by Kevin Holmes | Posted in: Religion | 15 Comments

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<div align='center'><a href='http://www.kontraband.com/blog/20279/Scientology-Best-Religion-Ever/'>Scientology: Best. Religion. Ever.</a><br><div align='center'></div><br><a href='http://www.kontraband.com/blog'>See more like this on kontraband.com</a></div>

Hubbard calling earthlings. Come in earthlings. Hubbard calling earthlings. Come in earthlings...This is your revered, omnipotent, kind, non-fraudulent, spiritually rich (financially so as well) ever living master! I mean leader. Lord of MEST (Matter Energy and Space Time) L. RON (The Don) HUBBARD! Prophet, sage, humanitarian, immortal, He-Man, Dianetician, saviour of mankind, QUINTILLIONAIRE! And don't you forget it.

As you are all well aware I chose to leave my earthly body behind, having seen the truth of my own existence, and I have become a Supreme Being manifesting itself as an energised ball of dollar bills traversing the many properties of spacetime. I have been to infinity and beyond, and am now an omnipresent somatic thetan floating about 6 feet above your universe (it looks like a dog chasing its own tail by the way). And it has come to my attention - even at the delivery speed of your universe: light, news still takes a while to get here - that a French court has ruled that certain practices by the Church of Scientology have been classified as fraud under French law. Fraud? French law? Those are two things I always avoid. The French can go suck an onion, backwards, through a baguette. Who the hell do they think they are compared to ME! I eat Stephen Hawking's crackpot theories for breakfast! When I fart a newly christened child is given a life sentence in pain! I vacation at the most extreme place in the universe - the event horizon of a black hole, and I live in a singularity! It's a b#stard walking the dog.

Anyway, what is this talk of "law"? I AM the law. It's all part of this cancerous growth of SP (Suppressive People) - that horrid 2.5% of the population who have antisocial personalities, impeding our progress, sewing their malignant seeds of doubt, fear, rational-thinking and common sense, leaving the PTS (Potential Trouble Sources) to grow. If you know an SP, I don't care if it's your own mother, spouse or your newborn child, you must disconnect and sever all ties with them (it worked for me).

And if you're still being affected then you'll have to spend some time at our lovely health spa in Los Angeles, known affectionately as the dreaded Rehabilitation Project Force, where you'll be physically debilitated through the euphoria of unrelenting labour and intensely extreme deprivation. And if that therapeutic course of salvation doesn't work, then my friend, colleague and operating thetan David Miscavige will use physical violence. Anything to help you. That's the Scientology way. Even if it means ostracising you from your friends, family, ideals, beliefs, sanity and physical health - we're that dedicated. We'll do anything but go to jail.

Now as I understand it my dear religion - which is practically a science - is getting a bit of a bad rep down there on Earth. I'm trying to save you humanity, you ungrateful pagan rats. I knew my teachings were too advanced for the small-minded cluster-ridden anti-social personalities called mankind, who use such ludicrous terms as scientific proof, reason, logic, truth, independent thought and...I can barely say the word, I'll have to spit it out: psychiatry - a nefarious disgusting discipline. Our nemesis, dear auditors: N-E-M-E-S-I-S. As I say that word imagine the colossal cosmic fury of a supernova shrinking a million times the size of earth in less than a second, and you will gage a fraction of the level of hate I feel for that loose collection of deluded fantasies laughable called a "science".

But if they want a galactic war, then by Xenu's tyrannical nutbag they've got one. We will MASSACRE them! We will F#CK. THEM. UP! Those SP muthf#ckers would have to be ready to take on the might of our tens of millions of followers (just to clear this little matter up, this figure is gained from the potential followers of The Bridge To Total Freedom, whether they have come into contact with Dianetics yet or not - you see, simple mathematics.) who are world, nay, universe wide.

Like our man on terra firma, close friend, ally, most powerful celebrity in the world, and winner of the coveted and prestigious award that many actors lust after their whole careers. That's right, I'm talking about none other than the famous Freedom Medal of Valor and I'm talking about Tom Cruise - who kindly, modestly, based his performance in Tropic Thunder on moi, but obviously toned it down (thanks Tommy!) - our celebrated solo-auditor, the most dedicated Scientologist I know, OP VII (that's Operating Level 7 - keep up) and star of one of the most important films ever produced - that 10 minute Scientology video that was leaked on YouTube. A f#cking PR disaster.

I mean who doesn't want to live on a compound, barely sleeping, eating scraps and speaking in mind-numbingly incomprehensible acronym jargon. That's the price of spiritual freedom.

Oh, Dave, just one quick simple task, could you go over to the Treas Sec PAC and see the ASHO and AO and get the Dissem Secs from WUS. We need to get the EUS T&P BMO lists for SBC promo pronto. Tell Mary she needs the GI cycle for the stats on the SOB to get ready for the annual BS. Cheers ears.

Anyway, we all know the way to a person's enlightenment is through their wallet. And their bank account, their car, money they can borrow off friends, the remortgage on their house, the shirt on their back, the sink in their kitchen, and anything that isn't nailed down that can be sold quickly. Because Xenu is out there my would-be-auditors, poisoning you with engrams, and it's up to you to join the elite and stop him. Look at it as your sacred duty as a potential money river for the Church of Scientology. Scientology cannot live by donations alone. We need to take what is rightfully ours: what's yours.

I'll tell you what I'll do, if you sign up right now, I'll make sure you get a phone call from the man himself, TC, that's the honourable Mr Tom Cruise most powerful-celebrity-in-the-world to you. How about that? Before you know it you'll be moving ashtrays with your mind and travelling the majestic spiritual plans of Operating Thetan. But be careful, for they are extremely powerful and not for the uninitiated, or those with a low bank balance. The grave consequences of premature exposure to them could be catastrophic. You are likely to die of pneumonia.

So remember, you are an immortal alien spiritual being trapped in a physical body on planet Earth covered in clusters of BT (Body Thetans) which contain painful memories. With my moderately priced advanced course at $10,000 you can know the hallowed secrets and rid yourself of these regressive memories which will reincarnate as individuals. Now tell me, what's so unbelievable about that?

I remain

Lafayette the Magnificent

Ps. Dianetics: The Modern Science of Mental Health is available in all good book stores and online.

Added: 825 days ago by Kevin Holmes | Posted in: Religion | 15 Comments

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