NIKOLAY 'RUSSIAN GIANT' VALUEV
A seven-foot tall Russian boxer who's the tallest and heaviest heavyweight champ of all time, not only do his matches resemble Google street views because you have to zoom out so much, he's got enough bodily hair to carpet a castle. Can you imagine how many pubes he must leave on the shower room floor, and how many showers he actually needs to get dislodge that pungent sweat build-up? He also commands extra coolness points for marrying a 5ft 2inch cutie pie. Hey, imagine them.nah!
YOKOZUNA (RIP)
Big 500lb sumo wrestling WWE star whose finishing move used to involve flopping off the middle rope and landing his planet-sized-butt on his opponent's chest. Despite his massive size, legend has it that he was a chronic arachnophobiac and suffered a fatal heart attack when he eyed a tiny spider on his hotel floor.
JAWS
Anyone else shit themselves when he bit that science geek in the pyramids in Spy Who Loved Me, who had twattishly 'locked' himself behind a metal gate. And anyone else cry happy tears when he goes all gooey over some bespectacled Scandinavian minx in Moonraker, making for the sweetest cinema romance since Sasha Grey and a trio of other well-norked beauties in Arse Pie Orgies 3?
ABOBO
Big, bald bastard in the Double Dragon video games who also had a massive oversized head that looked a bit like a circus strongman with eyeliner. If you managed to kick his pronounced, J-Lo arse, you then get to take on a green Abobo, who'd clearly been contaminated with radiation poisoning or joined some weird green paint cult. Time your flying kicks wrong and he'd shatter your jaw into tiny 8-bit pixels with one swing of his giant fist.
KAREEM-ABDUL JABBAR
Legendary 7ft 2in NBA basketballer who pissed off his team Milwaukee Bucks by sneaking off to film a fight scene with Bruce Lee in 1973 for Game Of Death, and stuck a giant, dusty footprint on Bruce's iconic yellow tracksuit. He also had a brilliant afro and starred in 1980 disaster comedy Airplane as a pilot.
ANDRE THE GIANT (RIP)
Beery 7ft 4in French wrestler behemoth who was one of WWE's biggest stars (literally), he reportedly consuming an estimated 7,000 calories worth of alcoholic nectar every night and holds the unofficial world record for the most amount of beers consumed in one session, which is said to be 119 12-ounce beers in a six-hour period. He must've been proper sloshed after that session. If he hadn't tragically died at such a young age, we'd have loved to got him down to the Kontraband boozer!
JOHN COFFEY
A very warm and very large man. The mighty JC sucks out people's diseases in the form of flies, resurrects a dead, stamped-on mouse and dies a martyr's death after being wrongly imprisoned by the murder of a young girl, causing Tom Hanks to shed tears. Oh, and his initials are JC. Spot what they did there, eh, did ya? Yes, too obvious.
PETER CROUCH
Lanky English footballing beanpole, whose long, weedy legs resemble drinking straws. Partner of the superhumanly fit Abbey Clancey, he's also responsible for one of the funniest quotes ever: when asked what he would've been if he hadn't been a footballer, he replied 'a virgin'. Hahahahahaha. Good one, lofty.
MICHAEL BERRYMAN
Lumbering, craggy-faced actor who's odd troll-like looks won him roles in a plethora of horror films, most notably as mutant bikers, sadistic undertakers and thick-as-pig-shit bad guys like the cannibal Pluto in Wes Craven's The Hills Have Eyes. He has a rare genetic condition that prevents him from developing hair and sweat glands - the complete opposite of Nikolay Valuev then!
SLOTH FROM THE GOONIES
The best friend every kid wanted. Hell, we still want him as a best friend now. We want, we want, we want! But alas, we can't have. '80s movie legend who's cuter than Care Bears.
User Comments / Add a Comment »
needs more pics
Added: 723 days ago by lolwutpear
john coffey ftw!
Added: 723 days ago by LOLD
abobo. kudos for that reference :)
Added: 723 days ago by andopolis
how did i never notice john coffey = jc? i need to go back to school
Added: 723 days ago by marv
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