Added: 717 days ago by Kevin Holmes | Posted in: Celebs | 12 Comments

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<div align='center'><a href='http://www.kontraband.com/blog/21645/Rage-Against-the-eMachine/'>Rage Against the eMachine</a><br><div align='center'></div><br><a href='http://www.kontraband.com/blog'>See more like this on kontraband.com</a></div>

So two things I've learned in the last week: I need anger management classes, and laptops are shit. Period. (Or more accurately, running Windows on a laptop is shit. Period.) I found both things out the hard way. It was hard for both me and the laptop. But the laptop drove me to it. It left me with no other option but to "UNLEASH HELL!" What happened is nothing that hasn't happened a million times before to millions of people - probably ever since the IBM PC invaded people's homes way back in 1981.

So anyway, what happened? My laptop, which is really just a netbook with a DVD drive and bigger screen, has been slowing down every time I use it. EVERY FUCKING TIME. If I have a browser open, Photoshop, Outlook and a Word doc, forget trying to tab between them without the computer entering some kind of retarded bullet-time, like it's having a stroke. It's painful to watch. What should take twenty minutes takes an hour. Simple tasks take on an epic quality, like crossing a vast wilderness without the proper equipment. I spent most of my time not working but staring hopelessly at my computer screen which was frozen in time, locked in an electronic paralysis, while the world around it drifted onwards. We've all been there - it's infuriating. It's traumatic.

Well this happened for what felt like the millionth time. And by Devastator's giant swinging steel testicles that was the last time this laptop got the better of me. The red mist descended like a furious fog. I was fuming, nothing less than puncturing the very fabric of reality with an anguished wail of despair would give me satisfaction. But that wasn't possible - and believe me I tried. My neighbours can vouch for that. So that was it, things were going to have to get ugly. I was left with no other option. In the red corner was me: 160Ibs, 5ft 10. In the blue corner; my shitty, pathetic excuse for a laptop that is the eMachine D620 (I know, why would anyone buy an eMachine?) - a machine so wanting that if I held a broken electronic tin-opener next to it (or even an iPad), it would feel vastly inferior and secrete something close to electric tears.

Time to die.

Time to bring out the big guns. It brings a keyboard, I bring a fist. *THWACK* *THWACK* and one more for good luck *THWACK* OK then, just one more *THHHH-WACK*. Take that, you evil mechanical bastard! If I could've released a flaming blue orb of concentrated hate I would've done. But hadoukens are not my strong point.

The only witness to this tragic and desperate scene was my cat, who was looking at me from the other side of the table with a disdain it usually reserves for screaming babies and the very young. The look said it all, "What have you become?" After the shame of what I'd done came crashing down on me like a wall of self-reproach I looked at the laptop. There was no cursor on the screen when I moved the mouse-pad, and it was making weird electronic gurgling sounds. What have I done? I thought. Shut it down, shut it down! So I rebooted and, behold, a horrific sight, a sight that paradoxically deep within my mind I secretly relished for all the pain this laptop had caused me; the dreaded, finalistic BSOD. Muthafu - Is there a techie in the house? No. What to do? Call a friend. Purge yourself, tell them what you've done, and face up to the ugly truth. Later I found out that where I'd repeatedly thumped it - the right-side of the touchpad - was where the hard drive was. Holy-shitting-laptop-destroying-Christ. Nice one I thought. Nice. One. When the technological singularity comes, those sentient machines better not find this out.

So the outcome of this act of brutality, this act of wanton destruction, for which I am ashamed but also slightly pleased - I'm going to get a MacBook. Yeah, I said it. iRelent. iSuccumb. They may be expensive but at least they work. Everyone I know who has a laptop, even ones that are powerful, they hate them. Stories of woe, pain, suffering. They moan about them, Sony Vaios, Dells, everything. So I've made my decision. And when I get my MacBook I can take it with me to my anger management classes, to take notes. And to show off.

Added: 717 days ago by Kevin Holmes | Posted in: Celebs | 12 Comments

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