Added: 703 days ago by Kevin Holmes | Posted in: Celebs | 11 Comments

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<div align='center'><a href='http://www.kontraband.com/blog/21815/Inappropriate-Kids-Movie-Directors/'>Inappropriate "Kids Movie" Directors</a><br><div align='center'></div><br><a href='http://www.kontraband.com/blog'>See more like this on kontraband.com</a></div>

Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland was out last week, and everyone is ranting and raving about how visually spectacular it is, and how Burton's quirky sense of wonder is such a great match for the nonsensical world of Alice - even if it is an "interpretation", as Alice goes back age 19, and not just a straight up adaptation. Nothing wrong with that, but, it strikes me as too easy, where's the challenge, huh? Subversive? Pah! A director making a film within their - and our - comfort zone isn't as great an achievement as a completely inappropriate director making a movie about a subject and genre they are completely ill-suited to. So with that in mind, here's a list of inappropriate movie directors and the kids' movies they could direct, if the Hollywood studios - and producers - had the balls and/or inclination - and didn't mind losing a few million. Hey, I'd download them.

Think, you'd never have to sit through a lukewarm Harry Potter/Twilight adaptation ever again. So, using the themes and styles associated with these auteurs, let's suspend our disbelief, for just a few moments more.

Quentin Tarantino
Directing Harry Potter and the Muthaf#cking Shotgun, Muthaf#cker. Harry Potter is a hitman who has just come back from travelling the hash bars of Amsterdam. He is sent to recover a mysterious briefcase that mob kingpin Dumbledore had stolen while out kung-fu fighting with a bunch of bank robbing Nazi Death Eaters. The inevitable scene where Harry cuts off Voldemort's ear with a sharpened broomstick before pumping him full of hot lead while quoting Philip Pullman is bound to have you on the edge of your seat. The film opens with a café scene in which Harry and Hermione get in a heated debate about the cultural relevance of fridge magnets and the etiquette of tipping strippers.

David Lynch
Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squealquel. Alvin, Simon and Theodore are driving home from a gig along Mulholland Drive when their cars hits a strange-looking midget in the middle of the road and they crash into a tree. Alvin awakes in an industrial hospital without his friends, he panics and flees and arrives home to find his girlfriend has given birth to a deformed baby otter. The next morning he receives a mysterious package containing a videotape of his house. That night he attends a party where he sees the strange-looking midget with Simon and Theodore all lip-syncing a performance of Roy Orbison's "In Dreams". This sends Alvin into a rage where he violently attacks the strange-looking midget. Simon and Theodore pull him off, but don't know who he is. Alvin goes insane with despair. The film ends with a shot of Alvin heading off into the horizon on a lawn-tractor before the screen is bathed in white light and white noise builds to a crescendo.

Martin Scorsese
Directing the new Pokémon movie. Robert De Niro is Snorlax, f#cking owning in that movie. The movie starts with a fat, bloated older Snorlax practicing his stand-up routine before we flashback to him in the boxing ring as a middleweight where he's pummelling ten tons of sh#t out of Pikachu. Snorlax has an insufferable rage and is constantly beating his brother, Joe Pesci, who he suspects of "f#cking his wife". Eventually Catholic guilt over his violent temper begins to suffocate Snorlax, his career implodes, and he gets in trouble with the Las Vegas mafia while trying to rip off a casino. Pikachu's head gets crushed in a vice as the mafia try to extract information, Snorlax blames himself. He ends his life getting viciously beaten before being buried alive with his brother, Joe Pesci, in the deserts of Nevada, while mumbling to himself that he is "not an animal".

Michael Haneke
To direct Night at the Museum 3: Alienation in Paris. Ben Stiller gets locked in the Louvre, where the Venus de Milo comes to life as an armless goddess. They are besieged by the headless winged Victory statue and the Egyptian antiquities. Ben Stiller's life has failed him and his past atrocities in the Algerian War come back to haunt him as the museum pieces struggle to fight for their independence. The film is bleak, disturbing and confrontational - all seen through the eyes of a mysterious handheld camera, the operator of which we never see. Ben Stiller's guilt becomes overwhelming and the film ends with a mass-suicide pact between him and the museum pieces, but not before they smash the place up and burn it in a giant bonfire.

Lars Von Trier
Directing a new Care Bears movie, shot using the rules of Dogme 95 featuring Genital Mutilation Bear and F#cktard Bear. The Care Bear kingdom, Care-a-Lot, is under threat from the mafia as the Care Bears are sheltering a blind Icelandic oil rig worker - who is on the run from them - in return for their help he undertakes physical labour. While there he strikes up a romance with Tenderheart Bear but is then paralysed by a falling cloud after a Cloud Quake. Mentally affected by the accident he asks Tenderheart Bear to have sex with other Care Bears and tell him the details. The film ends with the mafia descending on Care-a-Lot. The Care Bears fight them off with a weapon called the Rainbow Rescue Beam. The mafia relent and go into partnership with the Care Bears.

George A. Romero
Percy Jackson of the Dead, set in a mall where Percy's out shopping in American Apparel with his ma for some new jeans. Suddenly they're overrun with grey-faced, dribbling zombies charging them like they were an all-you-can-eat human buffet. It's a searing social critique on those f#cking zombies who ruin your shopping on a Saturday afternoon. Percy Jackson is bitten but then rises to the occasion as his undead form, turning on the race he loved so much and eating the eyeballs of his family as his entire being is overtaken by an unholy macabre desire for the flesh of humanity.

Uwe Boll
A new Disney movie filmed using the stolen lunch money from a day's production on Toy Story 3. Uwe adapts the video-game Theme Park, exploring the day-to-day running of such a place, how to merchandise it etc. Because the budget is so low the whole thing is constructed with badly made plasticine models that are just lumps of clay covered in pubic hair. The film is all shot in Uwe Boll's garden and ends with a terrifying crash on a Fisher Price roller coaster where all the plasticine lumps form one giant lump covered in pubes, grass and hairballs, which then explodes. The explosion is really just a match being lit.

Takashi Miike
Hannah Montana: Sh#t Just Got Real, where Hannah Montana moves from Tennessee to Tokyo and starts working with the yakuza. She turns into a torturer using piano-wire to slice off the testicles of an undercover journalist who works for a celeb magazine and is trying to get a story on her, and sticks needles in his eyes. She also hangs any rivals up by their own veins while pouring boiling oil on them. The musical numbers include songs about being a school dropout and the attractions of violence. The film ends with Hannah and a horde of claymation zombies singing her theme song The Best of Both Worlds.

Todd Solondz
Making High School Musical 4, a film full of cruel kids who barf down themselves and predatory teachers from the darkest recesses of cyberspace, singing songs about existential anxiety, depression and teen-suicide. One song is just a chorus of children crying profusely. It comes to a nail-biting finale in the school gym where two underdogs - a boy and a girl - win a dance competition and all the children are about to celebrate their win when they realise they are incapable of emotion, so instead stare awkwardly at each other before a teacher ejaculates into a gym sock.

David Cronenberg
Directing the new Twilight movie where organ-eating parasites invade the vampires' bodies. Jeff Goldblum plays a scientist with telekinetic abilities who invents a teleportation machine. He tries to teleport Edward and Bella but fails and they begin to mutate into each other. To save them from this terrible fate he makes their conjoined-head explode. In the meantime the deadly parasite is eating away at the other vampires making them die a slow agonising death, as their pale-glittery bodies begin to vanish. Eventually turning them into dust where they are then snorted by Teen Wolf out on a Friday night bender - he then disappears into the Interzone to car surf to the song Surfin' USA, and the credits roll.

Added: 703 days ago by Kevin Holmes | Posted in: Celebs | 11 Comments

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