Kontraband Interview - Keith Lemon!

As we made our way in, Mr. Keith Lemon was debating what to get for lunch. Upon hearing him decide that Wagamama's might be a bit too extravagant, we realised that despite his success and having a movie out in the cinema, which has now made its way to DVD, he very much has his feet on the floor.

Kontraband: There were quite a few big names involved in Keith Lemon: The Film, did you get into any trouble during filming?
Keith Lemon: No, because legally everything has to go past lawyers, and every word you say has to go through lawyers. When we were filming though, we'd do one scene that followed the script, and another scene where we'd just make it up. I dunno if Paddy McGuinness got in trouble with his wife for having breasts in his face... I know he was a bit nervous about the outcome, but she needs to know it was only acting, we were pretending to enjoy it! I thought it was horrible having breasts in my face. You have to make it look like you're enjoying things sometimes... I didn't like kissing Kelly Brook either, but I think I made it look like I did.

KB: Such a martyr. Any gossip from on set?
KL: I've seen Kevin Bishop's penis. I ended up saying to him "Can you keep your penis away?!". I think I've seen his penis more than I've seen his face. He's going through that stage in his life where he just likes getting it out. He'd go "Hey Keith, what do you think of this?", so I'd look over and he'd have his knob out. For the gossip though... he's got really straight pubes. I've seen him recently, and he's stopped doing it now. I think he's just drinking less.

KB: Describe Santa Claus in three words.
KL: Red, fat and jolly.

KB: Did you know that Coca Cola were the ones who put him in red?
KL: I did. He used to be green and brown. Gross. Did YOU know that shark's skin is made from rows of teeth? If it comes past you and rubs up against you that'll cut you, nevermind it biting you! I don't like sharks. I don't like dolphins either.

KB: We actually have a dolphin related question... describe dolphins in 3 words!
KL: Evil devil spawn.

KB: What makes you laugh more, monkeys or donkeys?
KL: Monkeys. I saw a clip on YouTube of a monkey looking completely bamboozled by its erection. It was just going soft to hard, soft to hard, and he just kept poking it. It was a big arched shape, like a bridge.

KB: Right, enough about monkey junk. What's the ultimate Christmas movie?
KL: First Blood, Rambo. A lot of people don't know it's a Christmas movie but it is set at Christmas time. They don't harp on about, but you do see some stuff around that makes it obvious. Or Gremlins. I love Gremlins, makes me feel right festive. It's being re-released in the cinema! I like Gremlins a lot, but the only thing I don't like is the fact that, not once, did Billy Peltzer say to his dad 'Oh cheers... what is it?' First thing I would've said! "There are three rules; don't put in sunlight, don't feed it after midnight and don't ever get it wet!" Of course there are three rules... WHAT IS IT?! What you on about rules? You been glue sniffing or something, dad?

KB: Well, we always wanted a little Gizmo for Christmas, so what's your best ever Christmas present?
KL: The gift of life. Although I wasn't born on Christmas. I'm not Jesus. I tell ya what, just having a Christmas special on was pretty amazing. I dreamt of the day I'd have a Christmas special on the telly. I think I've done a couple now, but it's still really exciting. Oh, and I got a pinball machine once, that was good too.

KB: What's a Christmas present that you'd most like to get?
KL: The Delorean from Back To The Future. I'd go to the past when Michael Hutchence was alive and I'd go watch INXS in concert. Saying that though, there are far too many people nowadays who have no idea who they are. How can you not know who INXS are?! Too many people know who One Direction are! I'd also go back to Christmas 1984 and watch Back To The Future in the cinema. Or Gremlins. And Ghostbusters.

KB: What's the best cuss or insult you've ever heard?
KL: YOU F*CKING C*NT! [cracks up laughing] I don't think of it as female anatomy, I think of it as a really nasty person. That's when you start thinking it's a horrible word, when you think it's female anatomy. Works best in a Cockney accent too! It just says everything... you f*cking c*nt. Or 'You're as funny as AIDs'. Holy Moly said that about me. I dunno why they wanted to interview me! ...f*cking c*nts.

KB: What's 11x17?
KL: I can't remember. I'm not even gonna use my brain that much, I'm dyslexic, I don't do figures. Not doing it. I went to school for that, I'm not there anymore!

KB: Worst city you've ever been to?
KL: I'm not gonna say. I'd hate it if I came from there, and I'd just got my DVD, it would be horrible if I then slagged off that place based on meeting 5 people. I'll pick somewhere abroad. And they'll be cities. I don't like Mexico or Egypt. In Egypt I got piles, and Mexico had security with guns outside the hotel. Our producer was outside for 20 minutes and got his wallet stolen... so I don't like it.

KB: Best thing to do with a sprout?
KL: Eat it? Use them as love eggs. Nah, I used to do this cooking bit on 'This Morning' (UK breakfast show) with Gino D'Acampo and he showed me how to make sprouts, and when I ate them I thought '....these aren't sprouts...' Can't remember the exact way we did it, so I tried looking it up on YouTube to follow the recipe. It was quite funny, because I was saying things to the YouTube video like "SLOW DOWN YOU'RE GOING TOO FAST" and then I'd say it in the video as well. But yeah, he can show you how to make sprouts and cor, it's bang on.

KB: We'll ask him. Best way to get a woman drunk at Christmas?
KL: Keep plying her with booze. Sambucca. Find out what her favourite drink is and just get her many of those drinks.

KB: Which animal would you most like to punch in the face?
KL: A dolphin. I don't like snakes either but I couldn't bring myself to touch one, so punching is out of the question. They're basically cocks with mouths.

KB: Three things you'd buy your girlfriend for Christmas?
KL: I'd buy her my calendar, my book, and my DVD. Oh, and I'd sign it all. Sounds rubbish but I don't get any of that stuff for free. The last batch I had I had to steal them from my own show, so it comes from the heart.

KB: What are your three favourite words?
KL: Beer, meat, and minge.

KB: Three things you'd change about your interviewer?
KL: Nothing. Awwwwwww.

KB: Who'd play you in a film of your life?
KL: Owen Wilson!

KB: Three reasons to buy your movie?
KL: Kelly Brook's in it, I'm in it, and it's funny. YOU WILL LAUGH... at least once.

KB: Three things you should do while watching your movie?
KL: Drink loads of alcohol, get your friends round, make sure your gran's not there. Unless you've got a liberal gran that doesn't mind watching Keith Lemon jizz all over his face. .

Keith Lemon: The Film is available to buy on Blu-ray and DVD right now!