It's Halloween, so why not. Everyone loves a zombie, whether they're slowly shifting towards you arms outstretched moaning grimly with little pieces of unknown human organ dripping from their pale faces, or frantically charging at you gnashing their teeth with their grey dead eyes that could out stare a shark.
Zombies are a bunch of hideous, brain eating, mindless monsters which what makes them so darn cool. Happy to consume the living, dining out on us, quaffing down poached organic human gallbladder, cassoulet of eyeball and a confit of rotting skin. They love it. So this is a celebration of their gruesome awesomeness.
And because it's Halloween I've picked some gory scenes of eye-gorging and delicious zombie mutilation. Mu-ha. Muhaha. Muhahahahaha!
Shaun of the Dead
The greatest British movie ever made (well maybe 2nd to Withnail and I), and a kick-ass zombie movie to boot. Expertly interweaving comedy, romance and the zombie apocalypse. Not only is it truly laugh-out-loud funny with some great dialogue and plenty of memorable scenes, it's also gory. Even Romero loves it. Here are some outtakes with Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, two comedy gods.
George A Romero's zombie trilogy
Three films in one here, and they're all classics.
Night of the Living Dead set the tone, in moody black and white it was something of a revelation. Dawn of the Dead relocated to a shopping mall with all the not-so-veiled consumerist symbolism. And then the nuclear bunker paranoid brilliance of Day of the Dead. Then he had to go and ruin it all with Land of the Dead and *shudder* Diary of the Dead. Maybe he's turned into one of his beloved zombies.
Re-Animator
An 80s science fiction horror cult classic, it's a film from another era. It centres on a medical student who is trying to develop a formula to revive the dead. It's got gore, and by god it's got plenty of it, but in between the blood-letting it has moments of inspired comedy which elevates it above other movies of its ilk. Here's a compilation of the goriest bits. M'mmm.
Zombie flesh Eaters (Zombie 2)
Directed by horror icon Lucio Fulci, it's a stone cold zombie classic. Even if you were a brain dead zombie craving human flesh who had the intelligence of a lobotomised tadpole with dementia you'd still enjoy this. It's grisly, it's gory, it's f#cking A. And it's famous for two scenes, firstly an eye-popping eye gorging scene, watch it here. And secondly for a zombie wrestling a shark. That's right. A muthaf#cking shark. Watch and worship it's depraved genius.
Dead Snow
Zombie Nazis. Splattered blood on crisp white snow. Fuck yeah. Here's a funny scene involving said zombies getting attacked with chainsaws, a weapon that's guaranteed to inflict some intestine splurging, mutilated damage.
Dawn of the Dead (remake)
Part of the new wave of zombies that are agile and, more troubling, fast. Who move like they're late for work down at the organ-munching centre. It has a brilliant opening scene that jars you like a turd you've just dropped leaping out of the bowl and dancing the Charleston while singing Fly Me to the Moon. Watch it's malign brilliance here - nothing says gruesome like an enraged zombified child taking a savage lump of hot flesh from your husband's soft neck. It doesn't have the intelligence of the original but it does have a menacing pace and a relentless sense of the grim fruitless ordeal of a planet overrun by the undead.
I Walked With A Zombie
It's, loosely, a zombie version of Jane Eyre set in the exotic Caribbean, home of voodoo. It's an unsettling, brooding masterpiece from
director Jacques Tourneur. Haunting, peculiar, spectral, it's rightfully a classic and soon to be remade by the Saw guys.
Braindead (Dead Alive)
From Peter "LOTR" Jackson, his early films had humorous and splendidly gory violence which he seemed to relish like a cigar rolled on the thighs of virgins and sealed with the tuna juices of a Greek goddess. This is a classic, like his low-budget masterpiece Bad Taste. Set in New Zealand this movie sees a domineering mother bitten by a Sumatran Rat-Monkey which slowly turns her into a ravenous zombie. It has some grisly scenes, one set around the dinner table, and the end is sublime in its gory glory, featuring our protagonist attacking hordes of zombies, animated intestines and disembodied limbs with a lawnmower. The mother becomes a giant monster and in a moment of Freudian indulgence stuffs her son back into her stomach. It also has one of the coolest lines ever when a priest says, "I kick ass for the Lord!" Here's a compilation of the goriest bits. Yum.
i've never seen dead snow, but heard great things about it. has anyone seen it and can they confirm it's all that?
Added: 9 days ago by mardod
Oscar Wilde, who is the author behind the title of this blog no doubt enjoyed his work and enjoyed a drink. But what about the rest of us? Huh? "Work..." you might say, "what's that all about?" Is it a necessary evil, does it give our lives shape, focus, direction and a reason to crawl out from the covers each morning? Or is it a bunch of ass that gets in the way of our drinking and good times? Do we do it just for money or is it what gives our lives purpose? Without working we'd have no industry, no food, no infrastructure, so of course it's necessary to any society, but what if you don't want to work. What if you just want to roll out of bed whenever the hell you like, smoke a joint and learn to play the sitar or walk the streets thinking idle thoughts. What's wrong with that? Or write a book, or recreate the battle of Stalingrad using Lego, or sit in your underwear drinking stale beer while seeing if you can telepathically communicate with your girlfriend? Well society won't allow it and will instead call you lazy/a bum/indolent/selfish/lethargic/bone idle/a student - delete as appropriate.
Although many people enjoy their jobs greatly and strive all their young-adult lives to get to where they are (And to those smug people, well done, pat yourselves on the back, you made it. Don't drown on your Cristal though.) - many don't. Work, for many, means getting up at an hour you don't want to and going to a place you don't like to work with people you hate who you wouldn't ordinarily associate with even if you were loved-up to the eyeballs on ecstasy, compassion and benevolence for all mankind, where licking the skin lesions of a rotting leper seems like the best idea in the world.
People will tell you it's all about finding a work/life balance. How about no work, all fun, is that an acceptable balance? Because even if you do a job you enjoy, like being a rock star or photographer for Penthouse, your talents will still be exploited and you'll still toil all the hours our nonexistent God sends. But there's only so many of those dream jobs to go around and if they're not taken through nepotism (which doesn't always mean the worst candidate for the job) or if you didn't study hard enough to get the required grades or certificates so our society can judge your worth or for some reason you locked horns with the school system and thus were left on the fringes or you're a talentless buffoon, then what? What do you do then? Cry? Get lost in the seas of life? Choose heroin? Or take a job in a factory and shut the f#ck up, or get some mindless office goon work and grease your way up the corporate ladder? F#ck that. If you don't want to work and instead choose to travel, bum around, be an artist or whatever, society shouldn't judge you or attach such a stigma to it.
Maybe they should teach idleness in schools along with all the other subjects, just so you get a choice. They could teach you how to while away whole afternoons by staring into space. Or how to f#ck up job interviews, and live cheaply but happily by ripping off those more fortunate. Maybe some people want to hang around for the rest of their lives doing whatever they please and if that means doing f#ck all: so be it. To live as an outsider, hold contempt for authority, whether that is the government or your boss. Be a maverick, read all day, drink all night, have fun all the time. Become an iconoclast, renounce society as we know it, and make your own definition of "work". Because you'd be in good company. Many great thinkers and writers, artists and poets were lazy bums and now they're canonised. We live in an age where work is considered the very pinnacle of human achievement, with an around-the-clock work culture that's fed by BlackBerrys and the blurring of work and personal life. Where you stand, career-wise, is where you stand socially.
The great philosopher Bertrand Russell wrote his essay In Praise Of Idleness decrying the nobility of work way back in 1932, so this attitude against working so hard is nothing new. He knew the worth and value of laziness, as did Karl Marx's son-in-law Paul Lafargue, who wrote The Right To Be Lazy from his prison cell in 1883. If you can be assed, have a read.
Me, I can't be bothered to write any more. I'm going to go sit under a tree and wait for an apple to fall on my head, just to see what happens. Plus I'm phoning in sick tomorrow, so I'll see you at the beach. Bring some beer.
buckminster fuller was told by a very rich uncle that in order to maintain wealth, one must be long enough of tooth, and sharp enough of claw. it takes 100 workers to support bucky, and 100 more for each member of buckys family.
so the idea is to have the highest paying job without doing any actual work. you could use your time and money to invent 'bucky balls'.
top popo love this idea because they dont have to actually work. they can blame those smart enough to see, and then claim society rots from the bottom up.
dont trust anyone over 30?!?! more like dont trust anyone whose paycheck is big enough to be considered a complacency bribe!
so our richest role models do nothing for their money. is it so wrong a stretch to consider ourselves victims? or lazy? or overworked? popo just wanna crack our heads open to protect and serve the most successfully lazy amongst us.
money sucks the big one and gives us too many excuses to do the wrong thing. (just look at the health of the planet and its residents)
eat the rich, and we'll find ourselves on the bottom of the plate. unless were too starved to notice the plate.
Added: 22 days ago by tuko
Sophie Anderton
She might have the kind of face that men killed for in 50s thrillers but she's spent the past 15 years accumulating a laundry list of incidents that make her utterly undateable to anyone other than the most dedicated masochist. Unwise appearances on the tawdrier end of reality TV revealed her as jaw-droppingly self-involved and prone to bursting into tears for virtually any reason - including bursting into tears because she kept bursting into tears. Off the cameras she's been addicted to cocaine and involved in prostitution where she bizarrely admitted that she'd "probably" been paid for sex, claiming that the first time she'd been "tricked". And, like any true crazy chick, she's been arrested outside an ex-boyfriend's house shouting "I'll kill myself if you won't take me back."
Lily Allen
Lily Allen has somehow managed to cultivate an image as a cool bo-ho chick who got her big break through a mixture of hard graft and talent. She's claimed to have been brought up in council houses and generally been from "da street". The b#tch went to the same school as Prince Charles! Her daddy helped get her signed to Warner and her mommy got her a small acting part in a film she was co-producing. She used to get taken to school by Harry Enfield. So what we have here is someone who has all the solipsism and self entitlement of a spoiled little rich girl combined with a contemptible faux street arrogance and self righteousness. As evidenced in her petulant blog she is an incessantly whiny head, on a record company-tuned body. F#ck right off Lily. You're not even that hot.
Lindsay Lohan
Ah, Lindsay and her bewbs. A normal teen star would have been happy with just the eating disorder but not you. Locked in a titanic attention-whore war with Britney, you've gone lesbian, flashed your ginger minge at every opportunity, crashed cars, drunkenly crashed cars, crashed cars on drugs, snorted Peruvian marching dust, yo-yo rehabbed, and screwed her way through a fair section of the celebrity C list (and quite a few even less glamorous letters). She never managed the out and out crazy of Mrs Spears and there is the sneaking suspicion that she would almost be worth the monumental hassle for what would almost certainly be amazing sex. Calum Best reportedly said, "She's dynamite between the sheets.No girl I've ever slept with comes close" which is encouraging but a few years of hard living have left her looking like a 40 year old, alcoholic hooker. Really this ship has sailed. It needs to sink.
Megan Fox
How can someone who is so easy on the eye be so hard to watch? It's like God said, "I'll make you hot as f#ck but you'll only be able to master two expressions, b#tch stare and hooker pout" which kinda limits her acting range somewhat. Megan, bless her, is an old fashioned too hot to be nice type girl. Her creation lies in her being able to shake her ass at someone to get what she wants. Naomi Campbellitis to give it it's medical name. You can read an illuminating open letter from the Transformers crew to Megan here. When a crew who likes Mr Satan-incarnate, Michael Bay, hates your guts you know you're a mega-b#tch.
And as a side note alarm bells should start ringing when a girl covers herself in quirky and "meaningful" tattoos. That's an advert for the empty, atavistic nature of her soul.
lohan is the saddest one. she went from uber-hot to truck stop hooker in about 2 years. what a freakin' waste.
Added: 9 days ago by mardod
