Sophie Anderton
She might have the kind of face that men killed for in 50s thrillers but she's spent the past 15 years accumulating a laundry list of incidents that make her utterly undateable to anyone other than the most dedicated masochist. Unwise appearances on the tawdrier end of reality TV revealed her as jaw-droppingly self-involved and prone to bursting into tears for virtually any reason - including bursting into tears because she kept bursting into tears. Off the cameras she's been addicted to cocaine and involved in prostitution where she bizarrely admitted that she'd "probably" been paid for sex, claiming that the first time she'd been "tricked". And, like any true crazy chick, she's been arrested outside an ex-boyfriend's house shouting "I'll kill myself if you won't take me back."
Lily Allen
Lily Allen has somehow managed to cultivate an image as a cool bo-ho chick who got her big break through a mixture of hard graft and talent. She's claimed to have been brought up in council houses and generally been from "da street". The b#tch went to the same school as Prince Charles! Her daddy helped get her signed to Warner and her mommy got her a small acting part in a film she was co-producing. She used to get taken to school by Harry Enfield. So what we have here is someone who has all the solipsism and self entitlement of a spoiled little rich girl combined with a contemptible faux street arrogance and self righteousness. As evidenced in her petulant blog she is an incessantly whiny head, on a record company-tuned body. F#ck right off Lily. You're not even that hot.
Lindsay Lohan
Ah, Lindsay and her bewbs. A normal teen star would have been happy with just the eating disorder but not you. Locked in a titanic attention-whore war with Britney, you've gone lesbian, flashed your ginger minge at every opportunity, crashed cars, drunkenly crashed cars, crashed cars on drugs, snorted Peruvian marching dust, yo-yo rehabbed, and screwed her way through a fair section of the celebrity C list (and quite a few even less glamorous letters). She never managed the out and out crazy of Mrs Spears and there is the sneaking suspicion that she would almost be worth the monumental hassle for what would almost certainly be amazing sex. Calum Best reportedly said, "She's dynamite between the sheets.No girl I've ever slept with comes close" which is encouraging but a few years of hard living have left her looking like a 40 year old, alcoholic hooker. Really this ship has sailed. It needs to sink.
Megan Fox
How can someone who is so easy on the eye be so hard to watch? It's like God said, "I'll make you hot as f#ck but you'll only be able to master two expressions, b#tch stare and hooker pout" which kinda limits her acting range somewhat. Megan, bless her, is an old fashioned too hot to be nice type girl. Her creation lies in her being able to shake her ass at someone to get what she wants. Naomi Campbellitis to give it it's medical name. You can read an illuminating open letter from the Transformers crew to Megan here. When a crew who likes Mr Satan-incarnate, Michael Bay, hates your guts you know you're a mega-b#tch.
And as a side note alarm bells should start ringing when a girl covers herself in quirky and "meaningful" tattoos. That's an advert for the empty, atavistic nature of her soul.
lohan is the saddest one. she went from uber-hot to truck stop hooker in about 2 years. what a freakin' waste.
Added: 9 days ago by mardod
So, let's look at something that'll make heterosexual men the world over uncomfortable, let's look at the world's most fanciable men, living or dead. Let's put aside our prejudices and childish aspersions, as long as balls don't touch we're OK. So who are the world's hottest men-babes? The mabes. Don't be shy, I'll start us off by listing a few.
In the silver fox category we have George Clooney jostling for space with Schean Schonnery, both men exude maturity, sophistication and greying pubes. Sean seems to get more palatable with age, like an ill-conceived war. By the time he's a 100, if he makes it that far, he'll be like a walking bag of pheromone-exuding skin, making women cream their pants just by growing a new ear hair or wet-farting Auld Lang Syne. Personally I prefer George, he seems like he'd be a good laugh and you could share a post-coital spliff cos he's a f#cking liberal. Plus you could spend long summers at his villa on Lake Como. Paradiso.
Next up pop/rock stars, I'm going to throw Elvis into the equation. I'm talking a young Elvis when he first hit the scene back in the 1950s, looking like a baby-faced, doe-eyed, greasy-haired morally corrupting sex-god, swivelling those snake-hips at the female audience and making them tear their hair out with teenage longing and primordial lust. This was obviously before he discovered that the burger was the secret of the universe and he'd fly from Tennessee to Colorado to eat a sandwich that consisted of a hollowed out loaf of bread with a whole jar of peanut butter, jelly and a pound of bacon. I refer to it as the colon clogger, as did his colon. A sandwich that any mere mortal's arteries would spontaneously combust just from looking at it. Also in the pop star category we have Rod Stewart, a man whose pants were so tight that back in the 70s women would become pregnant just from watching him on TV (it was rumoured at the time that he was responsible for 1 in 5 births the world over). Him and Tom Jones used to have a little wager on who could get them the tightest. I think it's safe to say, from the vantage point of history, that Rod won that one. And he's still going, God bless him, the pants still as tight.
From the 70s to the 80s, the hirsute decade as it was known. A decade that gave us the hairy bear-god that is The Hoff. Ah, to lay my weary head down on that soft, downy rug of a chest and let the day's troubles wash over me like the soothing blue waves of the Pacific Ocean lapping up to the beaches of Los Angeles county, which David would patrol in those fetching orange shorts with one of those weird rescue cans they'd carry, which were no help to anyone, least of all a drowning child. A man who - even when drenched in his own ethanol-like urine surrounded by his traumatized weeping spawn because daddy has, yet again, fallen asleep blind drunk on the kitchen floor - still oozes more sex appeal than a thousand Chippendales in a thousand firemen's uniforms. To sit at the drive-in movies in his car KITT, his arm gentling resting on my shoulders when KITT interrupts us with one of his always hilarious wisecracks breaking the sexual tension as we all laugh, throwing our heads back in unified joy. Don't hassle the Hoff, indeed.
After that little digression let's move on to Johnny Depp, a man-boy who has eternally young looks, even when he's dressed like someone's dragged him through a tramp's vomit - backwards - then used him to clean a public toilet. Still, somehow, he manages to look youthful and boyish. But that's what happens when you sell your soul to Vanessa Paradis, she'll grant you anything. Another scholar in the loony school of method acting is Brad Pitt, who's next on the list. We all know Angelina's no good for him, bullying him, crushing the crazy life out of him with her constant demands for a bigger more "internationally diverse" family. Why don't you marry the African continent then Ange? Huh? And leave Brad out of it to smoke weed and screw his co-stars. While we're on the pretty boys how's about David Beckham? A little too pretty perhaps? And that voice would get infuriating. He sounds like he couldn't outsmart a mentally retarded Teletubbie, but he can wear Armani, can't he? And that's what really counts.
For those amongst us who can read, the literary legend, the maverick wordsmith, the always encouraging Hunter S. Thompson. One for the thinkers, the intellectuals, plus no one can look quite so charming in a pair of aviators while threateningly waving a .357 magnum in your face and muttering inanely about those goddamn bats that keep circling like vultures. If you don't find his wisdom, anarchy and binge mentality attractive then you're no human I'd recognise.
And finally, with a slight sadness that it's all over, Clive Owen - the man who would be Bond if that blonde-haired tart hadn't robbed him of it. Those searing eyes of his that command your attention, serenading you, no, hypnotising you. Who doesn't want to crawl into his muscular arms and be told everything's going to be just fine. Just fine.
I know people are going to say, where the hell's Robert Pattison, but any man whose manhood looks like a mini-milk covered in glitter is off the goddamn list. Remember, never wink at a woman with big hands.
what a great idea for a blog no homo!!!!!!!!!111
Added: 32 days ago by marv
A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, daughter and dog. The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."
The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute."
The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."
The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."
And so begins this infamous joke that has been told again and again, perhaps never the same way, by stand-up comedians since the vaudeville era. After this intro the father then explains the act to the agent. The idea is for the comedian to describe the act in the most shocking way possible, using explicit language, debased sexual acts, violence, depravity, making it outrageously offensive, and the joke ends with the punchline:
"For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?"
And the father says, "The Aristocrats!"
So it's all about describing the act, that's the joke, not the actual punchline. It has
this website dedicated to collating different versions where you can upload your own, and has had a documentary made about it featuring various comedians telling their versions and talking about its history called, unsurprisingly, The Aristocrats, where many of these are taken from.
It is a joke that is boundless and subversive, disclosing the superficiality of morals while pushing the boundaries of taste, a barometer of taboos throughout the ages. It is also a filthy joke that we can guiltily snigger at, the lowest common denominator, using the most horrendous material that comes to mind, wholly politically incorrect. And that's what makes it so transgressive and appealing.
It's also a sort of game comedians play with each other to try and out shock one another, to see who can come up with the filthiest, the crudest, most appalling, smutty, obscene and offensive version. It's like a mental work-out for seeing how low you can go. Humans always stretch their brains by mental exercises: crosswords, Sudoku, IQ testing. Well this is the same but at the opposite end of the moral scale. SNL comedian Chevy Chase used to hold parties where you'd have to tell the joke for 30 minutes without repeating any of the acts. A hoot no doubt, and not the easiest of things to do.
So, leave your morals and prudishness at the door, here's a selection of some of the best:
1. Kevin Pollack
This is my favourite version of this joke, it's not necessarily the rudest or most inventive, but it's performed in the voice of Christopher Walken, of which Mr Pollack is a master. Comedy, of the platinum-battered gold variety.
2. Leatherface
Yes, when he's not hanging teenagers onto meat hooks or eating their flesh he likes to tell his favourite joke, as you can imagine it's a particularly gruesome version.
3. South Park
It had to be Cartman who tells the joke, and just because he's telling it to a his friends, who are all children - meaning none of them get it - doesn't mean it's any tamer. Speaking of telling the joke to children...
4. Doug Stanhope
He gets extra points for telling the joke to his 1 year old son as a bed time story before he goes to sleep for the night. It's hard to tell if the kid likes the joke or not, but I think he approves.
5. Bob Saget
Using the foulest of language and the crudest of humour, involving sodomy and plenty of arbitrary filth, this is simply hilarious. Go Bob.
6. Gilbert Gottfried
In his unique voice: hoarse, loud and obnoxious he tells the joke with plenty of bestiality, incest, fisting, licking, sh#tting, p#ssing, fingering, f#cking, cunnilingus, blood - the usual ingredients.
7. Sarah Silverman
The wonderful Ms Silverman makes the joke her own by including herself in it, telling it like she was reminiscing about old times. Brilliant.
8. Steven Banks
It's not always in the words as this performance from mime artist Stevens Banks shows. As well Aristocrats joke teller he's also head writer on surreal aquatic animation SpongeBob SquarePants. Why not
combine the two?
9. That Guy With The Glasses
This is what's it's all about, long, filthy, truly offensive, the sort of joke that would have you arrested in some states, and put to the chair in others. God bless this man.
10. Eric Mead
The Aristocrats as card trick, so you can show it to the kids at your son's birthday party. Then wait for the calls from angry parents demanding to know why their sons and daughters are asking them what "jack-off" means.
11. The Ultimate Aristocrats
To end on here's the joke told by a compilation of many of the
comedians and comediennes that featured in the documentary The Aristocrats, and it's a great version.
sooooo true!
Added: 62 days ago by Elliebear
