Who really cares about the Olympics? People who go on about adrenalin rushes and the "natural" high brought on from running ten kilometres a day are invariably boring assholes. What about taking part in a competitive sport which is actually fun and doesn't leave your legs feeling like they've been hit with a pool ball in a sock for five hours?

We're talking about San Francisco's annual Fap-a-thon, which is a bit like those telethons that they used to do on TV in the 80s to raise money for charity but with jerking off instead of dumb-ass celebrity dance routines and teddy bear mascots.

There are prizes in different categories, from "Longest Squirt" to "Most Orgasms," but the real sportsmen are found in the "longest time spent fapping" event.

So, want to know how to win this glorious prize? Have you got 5 minutes to spare? Then go wrestle a crocodile while wearing a three-piece suit made of rotting meat. Then once you've done this mail us the head of the croc and we'll send you an iPod Touch. Easy.

Of course, I'm joking. It's a shark you need to wrestle. Aha! No, if you have 5 minutes to spare, which I'm sure you have seeing as you're on this site, click here and fill in the Kontraband survey for all budding ninjas and ninjettes; telling us your thoughts, what you like to watch and what you think of the site.

Don't hold back now. And don't worry, you won't be spammed by a Nigerian asking you to advance various sums of money so you can eventually become rich beyond your wildest dreams. Promise.