DACHSER

It seems the Empire has fallen on hard times. Presumably to get finishing funds for his latest Death Star, Darth Vader-or a man pretending to be Darth Vader?-was reduced to robbing a bank on Long Island this morning.

Impotent Rebel Alliance security forces tell Newsday (paywall) that Vader marched into a Chase bank in Setauket around 11:30 a.m. today. Brandishing a completely unnecessary handgun-as he had the power to choke the oxygen out every teller's throat-the fallen Jedi demanded cash.

It's unclear whether he also found their lack of faith disturbing, but one Rebel policeman says, "The teller complied with the robber's demands and gave him money from the drawer."

I have two roommates. They are both great and are probably some of my best friends at school. The only problem is that one of my roommates has a girlfriend, and although sometimes nice, is usually kind of immature and bitchy.

That wouldn't bother me too much if she wasn't in the room day and night and constantly having sex with my roommate. While I'm in the bed below him, I might add.

One day I couldn't stand it anymore and as they were climbing into his bed to "cuddle" I took my laptop into my bed, making it look like I was going to write a paper. I then proceeded to open my music library and turn up the volume on the computer to max (which is very loud very loud). As soon as I felt the bed shake and sheets ruffle I blasted the Imperial March from Star Wars. He stopped. His girlfriend left 3 minutes later. It was kinda epic.