I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Now there's a man with an open mind-you can feel the breeze from here.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions. The curtain was up.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his chequebook open.

Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

Look, if you don't like my parties, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, leave in a minute and a huff. If you can't find that, you can leave in a taxi.

I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.

How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.

From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

I could dance with you till the cows come home, on second thought I'll dance with the cows till you come home.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire!

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

Last night I shot an elephant in my pyjamas and how he got in my pyjamas I'll never know.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I've worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

Either the man is dead, or my watch has stopped.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: We were both crazy about girls.

I'm not feeling very well, I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

Oh, why can't we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean flee to my lodge in the hills.

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.

I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself.

Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put 'Emily, I love you' on the back of the bill.

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women

My mother treated us all equally... with contempt

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. But we're going back next year.

Love flies out the door, when money comes innuendo.

What does California need an air force for? We have no air out here.

(When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid) I was just whispering in her mouth.

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