1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... but she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

35 - A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

36 - Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

37 - Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

38 - Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

39 - For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

40 - I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

41 - I was once walking through the forest, alone, and a tree fell right in front of me, and I didn't hear it.

42 - Black holes are where God divided by zero.

43 - I have a microwave fireplace. I can lie down in front of the fire for the evening in eight minutes.

44 - On my walls I have pictures of the rooms on the second floor, so I never have to go upstairs.

45 - I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

46 - When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, "If this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety."

47 - A metaphor is like a simile.

48 - I once put instant coffee in a microwave and went back in time.

49 - I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.

50 - When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

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