I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is f#cking clean

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

I like vending machines 'cause snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, often times, I will drop it...so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamous?

My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the f#ck's really goin on down there? Who is the real hero?

If you have dentures, don't use artificial sweetener, cause you'll get a fake cavity.

I'm sick of Soup of the Day, it's time we made a decision. I wanna know what the f#ck 'Soup From Now On' is.

That'd be funny if you were a drummer, and you grabbed two magical wands instead of drumsticks. Be pounding out the beat "1-2-3-4 Oh shit, my bass player's now a can of soup... Sorry Rick, I mean Cream of Mushroom!"

I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.

I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time.

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Look out, he's fuzzy, let's get out of here.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I've always wanted a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist.

So I wish I could play little league now, I'd kick some f#ckin' ass.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry," so it died.

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."

You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.

User Comments / Add a Comment »