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Mitch Hedberg Quotes
I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is f#cking clean

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

I like vending machines 'cause snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, often times, I will drop it...so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamous?

My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the f#ck's really goin on down there? Who is the real hero?

If you have dentures, don't use artificial sweetener, cause you'll get a fake cavity.

I'm sick of Soup of the Day, it's time we made a decision. I wanna know what the f#ck 'Soup From Now On' is.

That'd be funny if you were a drummer, and you grabbed two magical wands instead of drumsticks. Be pounding out the beat "1-2-3-4 Oh shit, my bass player's now a can of soup... Sorry Rick, I mean Cream of Mushroom!"

I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.

I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time.

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Look out, he's fuzzy, let's get out of here.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I've always wanted a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist.

So I wish I could play little league now, I'd kick some f#ckin' ass.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry," so it died.

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."

You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.
Mitch Hedberg Quotes

MITCH HEDBERG QUOTES


Comments: 10

I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is f#cking clean

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show your style and charm,the popular is what you want, right? girl , juniors , accessories , style expert: =====[url=http://www.kogoal.com/] [link deleted] [/url]===== we’re always mindful of fashion that’
Added: 424 days ago by dongya
 

 
 

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Added: 426 days ago by wenhou
 

 
 

escalator temporarily stairs.....sorry for the convinience
Added: 909 days ago by Chi-Negro
 

 
 

rip mitch.
Added: 939 days ago by koighok
 

 
 

mitches death was a complete trajedy because he was the example of how drugs can lead to success oh well we still have rappers, little rich cunts like parris and what really sux is that flava flave is still walking
Added: 889 days ago by goatf1sh
 

 
 

i wish he didn't die :(
Added: 927 days ago by manicx
 

 
 

good shyt
Added: 935 days ago by $h4muS
 

 
 

lame
Added: 938 days ago by framed
 

 
 

so are you.
Added: 937 days ago by temari
 

 
 

mitch rocks... you gotta hear him say these. his delivery makes them happen
Added: 931 days ago by JackDaniels
 

 
 
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