A Scientific Approach to....
Understanding My Girlfriend's Role in the Overall Degradation of My Life's Quality - (www.nerdysouth.com)

I would like to educate people as to why my life no longer has that special feeling to it. I'm talking about the feeling that inspires me to succeed and live life to it's fullest; the feeling that no words could ever describe—even though I just did it.

I would like to share what takes place in my relationship that is responsible for all this trouble: my girlfriend.

Everything you are about to read is a true complaint I have filed at one time or another with my girlfriend, except instead of just bitching about it, I'm going to explore it in a more scientific way.

Maybe one day, I can fully understand how Relationship Dynamics work, thus enabling me to forumlate ways to avoid all future problems. I will simply introduce each principle of Relationship Dynamics as I have discovered them, and then go into depth.



1. Principle of Decreasing Video Game Ability:
It’s a well known fact that girlfriends are excessively needy and insist on having 100% of your attention directed towards them at all times. Any sort of activity where the boyfriend has a chance to relax or relieve stress is strictly forbidden as it interferes with the girlfriend’s agenda (their agenda consisting of stress-filled conversations about life and how they’re depressed).

My girlfriend still lets me play video games, but her very presence hinders my ability to play well. In fact, the exact level of my decreasing ability can be modeled mathematically to an accurate degree.

The number of hours I spend with my girlfriend (t) has a direct-negative affect on my game playing abilities (a).



As you can see, for every hour I spend with my girlfriend, a portion of my total ability to kick ass drops until finally, at around 24 hours, my video game playing skills are gone. Video games, my only escape from a harsh day, and my girlfriend steals that one joy away from me.



2. Principle of Sleep Deprivation:
In order to be satisfied with my daily life, I need to get enough solid sleep during the night. You would think sleeping next to a warm girl would provide for a wonderful, deep slumber, wouldn’t you? Wrong!

A general principle of Relationship Dynamics prohibits such a peaceful slumber because interactions via simple forces and natural physics lead to a terrible night’s sleep.

The first rule of this principle is as follows:
Increasing proximity in bed means increasing sleep discomfort, which means a decrease in sleep quality. I will refer to this rule as the Proximity-Slant Rule. You see, when two people share one bed, they both create an indentation in the mattress directly proportional to their body weight.

As with most young adults, I’ve spent all my life sleeping by myself, in my own indentation which is a perfect, comfortable balance of my body weight. This is my natural resting state.

However, once the “girlfriend” enters the scene, everything changes for the worse as she throws off the balance of the bed which makes me uncomfortable. This whole situation wouldn’t actually be a problem if my girlfriend agreed to sleep on the opposite side of the bed from me, but NOOOOOO, she wants to be right next to me; needy bitch (look at the below diagram to see what I mean).



I’m not against sleeping with my girlfriend; I’m just against her sleeping right next to me, which ultimately throws off the delicate balance between comfort and discomfort (look at the below diagram to see what I mean).



Hopefully by now, you understand the Proximity-Slant Rule and it’s implications for a sleepless night, due to discomfort caused by an uneven balance in the way my body weight is shifted during sleep. This lack of uninterrupted sleep brings me to the next rule of this principle.

It’s a well known fact that in order for one to get a full night’s rest, the mind must go through many cycles of REM sleep which occurs every 1.5 hours. Because I’m so uncomfortable in bed with my girlfriend (as the Proximity-Slant Rule requires), I always wake up at least once an hour which makes reaching REM sleep an impossible objective.

The simple connection between my lack of REM sleep caused by the Proximity-Slant Rule is known as the Proximity-REM Deprivation Relationship. It’s an unavoidable consequence of an uncomfortable night’s sleep and always leaves me feeling like shit the following morning. Speaking of the following morning, there is one last aspect of the Principle of Sleep Deprivation which I feel obligated to explain.

I love to sleep-in on the weekends. I strive to stay in my bed until 1:00pm at the earliest, however this is extremely hard to do when YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND THAT WAKES UP AT 8:00AM AND NEVER SHUTS THE FUCK UP. Who the hell does she think she is trying to impose her sleeping habits on me? If she wants to wake up at 8:00am, fine by me—just leave the bedroom, go into the kitchen and cook me up a feast that’ll be ready by early afternoon. Too bad that never happens.

Instead, every waking hour of hers is devoted to talking to me, poking me, and moving around on the bed, thus making sleep impossible. This type of girlfriend is known as the Wakusearliousannoyus, which is Latin for “annoying bitch in the morning.” I would highly suggest avoiding this type of girl at all costs; it’s just not worth it.



3. Principle of Food-Thievery:
Since women are typically obsessed with being “lady-like,” they are too afraid to eat big meals because that would make them look gluttonous. To work around this problem, women have devised a way to not only eat enough food to be satisfied, but not look gluttonous at the same time. This solution involves taking subtle bits from their boyfriend’s meal. Though a single bit might be stolen every few minutes, over the course of the meal, it accumulates to a substantial amount. That’s the genius of the whole solution!

If I were to complain and tell my girlfriend to “Get your own fucking food,” she’ll just respond with “It’s only a little bite, stop being so selfish!” This not only makes me look like the bad guy, but enables her to continue stealing my food without any shred of guilt (you have to hand it to women; their ability to successfully execute mind-games and manipulation is amazing). Women don’t think that this stealing of food is harmful, but I will prove them wrong:

I eat an average of 5 meals a week with my girlfriend. From each meal, she successfully steals on average 3 bites—I normally consume an average sized meal in 15 bites. When the math is calculated, it turns out that every week my girlfriend steals the equivalent of one meal from me. [(3/15 of each meal is stolen from me) x (5 meals a week w/ girlfriend) = 1 full meal.]

Now take that times 52 weeks in a year and we get 52 meals that I’ve been robbed of. Divide 52 by 3 (for 3 meals a day) and we get the equivalent of '17 days a year where I don’t eat!

Now for the really fun part: The average couple marries at around age 30, and let’s just say they live as a couple until 70 years old. That’s 40 years of being together. Now let’s apply these numbers to my situation to create a possible scenario: I’m with my partner for 40 years at a cost of 17 days/year not eating—that’s 680 days of not eating!!! That’s almost two full years of starvation. Wow.

So, women think that their little food habit stealing isn’t harmful? Think again you gluttonous, food stealing bitch. I love food, and taking away that much food away from me is a moral crime.



Conclusion:
After reviewing the facts, it's very easy to understand why life with my current girlfriend is nothing short of what could be described as hell. I sit before you, writing this article, a broken, exhausted man. But I'm on a mission to learn more about Relationship Dynamics in the ultimate hope that one day I will understand enough to help myself and help others.

For all you men out there with girlfriends: May God have mercy on your soul!

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