Monday June 5:
Gary Neville's England team arrived in Baden-Baden-Baden today and I looked very, very handsome in my suit (mum said) and definitely had the bestest moustache. I brought my guitar which I have been learning for three weeks and I can play all of Elton John's best songs, including 'I Guess That's Why They Call Us The Reds' and 'The Bitch Is Back', which I save for David's 'wife'. I asked David if he would sing 'Don't Go Breaking My Heart' with me, but we argued about who would be Elton. We can't both be Kiki.

I am ringing Sir every hour with updates on Wayne. Thirty-seven minutes ago he ate four bratwursts.


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Tuesday June 6
I have made an official complaint to the hotel manager about the pillows (too square). And the soap (not square enough). And the Bible (doesn't mention Sir). And the hand rail next to the bath (just don't like it). I have told Sven that I will go on strike if these things are not rectified and everyone knows right-back is the most important position on the whole pitch. Even in these silly summer warm-up tournaments before the serious business with the best club in the whole wide world ever begins in August. I can't wait.

Passed Frank Lamppost (hah) in the corridor - he'd been stood there an hour trying to get his key in the door.


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Friday June 9
Rung Sir and told him Wayne has been kissing Coleen. Eurgh. Everyone knows girls smell. And he wasn't even wearing red! Sir said I must tell Wayne to get his priorities right, and I did. The banter is brlliant in Baden-Baden-Baden because Wayne told me to go "f*** yourself you snotty little c***". He's my favourite Scouser.

Mum says she won't fly out and bring my favourite pillow (boo). I protested the decision - but it doesn't work so well on the phone. I cried tonight because I miss her bedtime stories, especially when she reads Managing My Life and does Sir's voice.

I've asked David if he wants Gary Neville to do a rousing speech tomorrow. I brushed my moustache (a big job) in preparation and wrote something - 'I remember when rock was young - me and Susie had so much fun...' - but he said no. I like his hair now though.

Played pool with Frank. 7-0, 7-0, 7-0, 7-0 - I went to kiss my badge and do a sex action but I didn't have a badge because I wasn't wearing my jim-jams.


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Saturday June 10
Gary Neville's England won and David was fantastic. But not as fantastic as me. I'm definitely the best right-back at this whole World Cup. Every manager must look at me and wish I was in their team. I expect Sir will have a lot of calls from people offering £10m or even £20m for me, but I will never leave the best team in the whole wide world ever ever.

As well as David, Rio was brilliant and I think he should have been man of the match. Instead it went to Frank and he wasted the champagne because he kept missing his mouth.

Gave Theo a Chinese burn after the game because Silly Billy Philly's not here.


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Tuesday June 13
I cried today because everyone says I look like French frog Franck Ribery. But he's ugly and he doesn't even have a proper moustache.


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Wednesday June 14
Sven says I can't play tomorrow because I've hurt my thigh. I didn't tell him I hurt it practising 'Rocket Man' with actions. The lads love my guitar-playing and say I should learn more songs. I had a special request for 'Touch My Bum' by the Cheeky Girls. I might do it in my jim-jams.


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Thursday June 15
England were absolutely rubbish without Gary Neville, with that dirty Scouser Jamie Carragher (doesn't even have a 'tache) playing at right-back as if anyone can play there. It seems that Sven ignored my 3-5-2 formation suggestion to get round that 'who can replace Gary Neville at right-back?' question. David then played at right-back though and he was the second-best right-back I've ever, ever seen.

Sir told me to try and stop Wayne coming on, but he's bigger than me and threatened to knot the toggles of my jim-jams together while I was asleep.


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Saturday June 17
The rest of the boys went to see their WAGs (like wagging tails on dogs, geddit?) so I did my Man United jigsaw while wearing my Man United kit. I gathered quite a crowd in the lobby - I'm definitely everybody's favourite England player.


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Tuesday June 20
Sat on the bench again (boo) but at least Rio and Wayne came to sit with me in the second half, though Wayne was a little bit angry even when I offered him a bite of my Curly-Wurly. England were rubbish, especially Carragher, and only David and Rio were good at defending set-pieces. The whole defence falls apart without Gary Neville...it's like having only one Krankie.

Michael hurt his knee. That's what you get for being Scouse.


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Friday June 23
Back in training today. Told Sven that I'm ready to play against Equatorial New Guinea - up front if he needs me - but he says I should save myself. He knows he has a precious stone. Sir's not answering my calls anymore - he must have lost his phone. Can't wait to get back and give him his Baden-Baden-Baden tea-towel. And doilie.

Watched Frank take out three windows, four cars and one assistant coach (silly Tord) with his shooting practise.


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Sunday June 25
This time the silly moose with the funny hair played at right-back! I'm so angry I could go on strike. He was rubbish and England were all rubbish apart from Rio and David and Wayne, who were brilliant. But thankfully for them Gary Neville will be back for the next game. I expect the papers back home have had prayer mats with pictures of my thigh for the England fans - some of which aren't even Man United fans despite the fact that we've won every Premiership title (nearly). Silly, silly monkeys.


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Tuesday, June 27
I think I have the best moustache in Germany. Maybe not the bushiest right now (I've been stressed) but definitely the bestest.


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Friday June 30
Played 'Touch My Bum' to a very excited audience tonight - not just the players, but the staff of the hotel, who all brought their friends. Everyone was smiling. If England are as successful tomorrow against Portugal it will all be over by half-time.

Must remember to ring mum and get her to tape the game - I always look so handsome when they play that song. I still don't know why they don't play 'Come on You Reds' or at least something by Simply Red. I shall ask that man Brian again.


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Saturday July 1
It's not fair. It's just not fair. It's really, really, really not fair. How can they blame poor Cristiano when it was clearly that nasty Chelsea man who put his winkle in the way of poor Wayne's foot to get him sent off. I said some harsh words, I can tell you. Hope he didn't hear them.

David hurt himself and I was the captain - it nearly made me do a sex wee putting on that band that had been round David's strong arm. I was brilliant as captain. It's because I was captain that I didn't think I should take a penalty. Rio said it was because I was a scaredy-cat but it was really because I was being the captain. It's a shame because I would have scored the 11th one.

Of course, no Man United players missed penalties - just two dirty Scousers and Frank, who had taken an hour to hit his boot with his foot before the game.

The good news is that Wayne and Rio and me will be well rested for the real football.


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Sunday July 2
I cried when David cried. I shall be captain now though. I shall need a bigger moustache. And some new jim-jams with a star like a sheriff. Bang bang.

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