1. What are you thinking about?

2. Do you love me?

3. Do I look fat?

4. Do you think she is prettier than me?

5. What would you do if I died?



What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e.,tells thetruth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, with possible responses.



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Question # 1: What are you thinking about?



The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."



This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

a. Baseball.

b. Football.

c. How fat you are.

d. How much prettier she is than you.

e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.



Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you."



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Question # 2: Do you love me?



The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."



Inappropriate responses include:

a. Oh Yeah, shit-loads.

b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?

c. That depends on what you mean by love.

d. Does it matter?

e. Who, me?



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Question # 3: Do I look fat?



The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"



Among the incorrect answers are:

a. Compared to what?

b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.

c. A little extra weight looks good on you.

d. I've seen fatter.

e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.



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Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?



Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"



Incorrect responses include:

a. Yes, but you have a better personality

b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner

c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age

d. Define pretty

e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.



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Question # 5: What would you do if I died?



A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette and a boat").



No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:



WOMAN: Would you get married again?

MAN: Definitely not!

WOMAN: Why not-don't you like being married?

MAN: Of course I do.

WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.

WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)

MAN: ( makes audible groan )

WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

MAN: Where else would we sleep?

WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?

MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?

MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.

WOMAN: - - - silence - - -

MAN: sh*t.

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