MOBY DICK SYNDROME

It seems the Empire has fallen on hard times. Presumably to get finishing funds for his latest Death Star, Darth Vader-or a man pretending to be Darth Vader?-was reduced to robbing a bank on Long Island this morning.

Impotent Rebel Alliance security forces tell Newsday (paywall) that Vader marched into a Chase bank in Setauket around 11:30 a.m. today. Brandishing a completely unnecessary handgun-as he had the power to choke the oxygen out every teller's throat-the fallen Jedi demanded cash.

It's unclear whether he also found their lack of faith disturbing, but one Rebel policeman says, "The teller complied with the robber's demands and gave him money from the drawer."

The death of a 23-year-old man at a Wellington cinema on Sunday was unexplained but not suspicious, according to police. The body of the 23-year-old was found by a cleaner at Reading Cinema on Courtenay Place shortly before 8.30pm Sunday evening following a screening of The Twilight Saga: Eclipse.

A security guard who found the man thought he was "asleep" after seeing him still on his seat after everyone else had left, he told reporters. When he saw the rest of the disgruntled crowd leaving he assumed it was the weak plot and bad acting they were unhappy with. But only time would tell the real consequences the terrible film would have on the public.

Who knows how many more members of the public will be struck down by this terrible film but if you must see it please be prepared.