Chimps, they're our closest relatives and one's been president of the free world for the last 8 years, like Planet Of The Apes was a documentary or something. And now here's one riding a segway, and even though he could do with some practice, it can ride it better than Bush could, but that's no real surprise is it.

Watching that little chimp motor his way about got me thinking; they should race these chimps on those segways, like a simian version of Wacky Races, they could supe them up, pimp them out, whatever. Surely that's an entire semester's worth of Japanese game shows right there, and then some, knowing those Japanese. They could bring in some other primates, like gorillas, that'd be interesting, could have the Great Ape Segway Olympics with humans, chimps, gorillas and orangutans all fighting it out to be crowned the greatest of the great apes.

Somebody get Fox News on the phone, I've got an idea for them, they could run it as cutting edge investigative journalism...!

The evil video-director genius behind those crazed, inexplicable videos for Aphex Twin - notably the completely messed-up 'Come to Daddy', which I still suffer fits from having seen - gives an interview.

He is a depraved, godless abomination of a man and to prove that point he's posted a disturbing picture to accompany the interview. Whatever you do don't click through and then un-blur the image, because what awaits you is pretty grim, real or not. Not quite goatse, it'll still leave you upset and likely to throw up any digested food, even if you haven't eaten for a week.

But it didn't upset me, because I could out Cunningham Chris any day of the week. People think he's weird and creepy with a mind like the unnatural love-child of John Waters and David Lynch, but unlike me they don't sleep in their father's grave at night, eat their dead twin's genitalia for dinner, and shower in diseased rat's urine! Out freak that Mr Cunningham! I'd like to see it!

Actually, it turns out he's rather a spiffing chap, partial to the odd cup of peppermint tea, and invests lots of money into helping orphaned ponies. Or something like that.

He likes cheap looking pr0n anyway, so you'll have something in common.