PERUVIAN PERFECTION

A team of people from 2012 tried to re-create and build a boat from 1550 BC, the Bronze Age, but failed spectacularly. When the ship was lowered into the ocean, it immediately filled with water and started sinking. Yikes, we suck.

The team was made up of British archaeologists and craftsmen who have been hammering away and building the boat with Bronze Age tools and methods for the past three months.

The boat it was based on, used oak planks sewn together with yew lashings. It sounds like a wonderful project, right? Let's see how the building chops of modern men stack up with ancient techniques! Sadly, we embarrassed ourselves.

PUPILS at Catholic schools are being encouraged to sign a petition against being a total bumpilot. The Vatican is hoping to use the average teenager's natural fear of being called gaymocentric to increase signatures on their petition opposing a law which will allow adults to be happy.

Archbishop Vincent Nichols said: "Teachers will tell pupils that any pen that hasn't signed the gay marriage petition is a gay pen. And we all know who uses gay pens, don't we?

"After that, it's a matter of personal conscience how the teachers proceed, but my own view is that they should ask the pupil if they're currently using their dirty homo pen to write a love poem to Alan Carr's testicles.