This is a new state of the art mobile, it's incredible. It's got so many new features that are basically undreamt of; it's going to make the iPhone obsolete, believe, taking a massive bite out of Apple's profits. Crunch!

It has some absolutely thorough features, like a shaver, projector and a mouth-harp! I know, it's so exciting! I wonder whether it's diatonic or octave? Anyway, all you Bob Dylan wannabes (like me) can now annoy all and sundry with your renditions of Subterranean Homesick Blues while commuting to work - Johnny's on the subway playing on his Pomegranate...

And just wait until the Pomegranate 4G comes out, it's going to be spontaneous man! It'll support third-eye applications, have a software botox interface, a Scalectrix keyboard, a geothermic powered portable music player and toilet, and a fully integrated elfin-band GSM simulated reality. Mega! Plus it has a cornea compatible docking station. Yeah! It's due for release April 1st 2009, I cannot wait! It'll be hernia inducing!

I'll see you at the front of the queue when it's released. I'll be the guy with the authentic Roman ballista pointing at your crotch in case you try to push in. Don't you dare.

Life gets tougher the older you get, what's a person to do when the wintry years of our meagre lives set in? Go do voluntary work at the local charity shop? Sit about eating boiled sweets and urinating on your grandchildren? Meh!

I'll be joining this tidy old boy; he's 74 and is a Japanese pr0n star - that's right, 74 years old.

While most old people wander about their nursing homes like extras from a zombie flick, fighting over liquidised scraps of pig lung and chewing scrabble pieces, this guy's wandering about in the altogether getting his freak on! That's what I'm talking about.

Please understand though, he's in it purely for the dramatic challenges these roles present - Yeah whatever!