THE PROGRESS BAR

As the government pressed ahead with welfare reform despite some bishops rejecting a £26,000 benefit cap, the nation's job centres braced themselves for an influx of millions, ready to embark on a fantastic career. Long-term claimant Nikki Hollis said: "Don't get me wrong, while raising two kids in a bedsit on eighty quid a week has been a hoot, I finally have to accept that play time is over.

Meanwhile left-wing atheists have insisted that any reform of the House of Lords must now exempt unelected Jesus-freaks with pointy hats. Tom Logan, from Finsbury Park, said: "I don't believe that Jesus was God but I do believe he knew that £26,000 pounds is not a lot of money these days."

Roy Hobbs, from Doncaster, added: "My take home pay is £25,000 a year and I have to raise three kids. If they promised not to molest it, I'd happily give one of them to the Church."

SENIOR Conservatives have attacked the new Margaret Thatcher biopic for its 'disturbing' lack of sexual violence.

The Iron Lady, starring Meryl Streep as Britain's first sexy prime minister, focuses on Thatcher's political career but fails, according to leading Tories, to accurately depict the seething, erotic menace with which she could instantly fill a room.

Chancellor George Osborne said: "Meryl Streep never played a sexy role in her life, though I suppose hypothetically she did triple-team the blokes in Mamma Mia. "I was thinking more Marlon Brando from Last Tango in Paris. Or maybe Ursula from The Little Mermaid."