BRANDING BALLS UPS

AN EARLY form of Sugababes could have existed during the reign of King Henry VIII, it emerged last night. Documents and paintings discovered in a secret chamber at Hampton Court Palace refer to a trio of female entertainers know as 'The Sweet Women', who wore low cut bodices and caked more cochineal and lead-based poster paint onto their faces than other ladies of the time.

Tom Logan, professor of applied sugababeology at Reading University, said: "When Henry wasn't dissolving monks or testing the thickness of his wife's neck fat, he liked to settle down with a teenage Spanish virgin, a big bucket of goats testicles and watch three high society ladies slut it up on the dance floor.

"We believe these women - Lady Charlotte D'Agney, Lady Elizabeth Villieux and the third one, Beyonce of Arundel, could very well have been the first in the long line of tone deaf jail-bait that evolved into the current Sugababes."

A recent move by Ausfailian politicians to attempt to ban pictures of women with small breasts from the internets has caught the attention of the internet hate machine known as Anonymous, who take censorship AND small breasts very seriously.

Despite being warned about the orbital ion cannons gathering overhead, the power level of the attack was over 9000 and there was nothing that the ausfailian government could do to stop it. Sites ending in gov.au were hit harder than a one legged ginger stepchild and either buckled under the strain or were hacked.

The first wave of the assault is over but the war has only just begun. Anyone working for the australian government can expect pornographic emails, fax spam, black faxes and pizzas that they didn't order for quite some time yet...