WILD ANIMAL CRUNCH

A NEW internet is to be created for people who like writing comments, so everyone else can enjoy surfing the web without their torrents of bile.

The new web, dubbed 'Masturnet' after users' penchant for literal and metaphorical self-indulgence, will be just pictures of things with the question 'Why do you hate this?' underneath.

Google-built algorithms will reward commenters by adding random numbers of Facebook Likes or retweets, giving users the false impression that they're not just screaming their repugnant semi-literate vitriol into an ocean of white noise.

As the government announced plans to monitor all emails, texts and website views in the UK, it was warned to brace itself for a level of smut and depravity previously thought impossible.

The Home Office said it was bringing forward plans for web monitoring as soon as parliament will allow, insisting that you have nothing to worry about unless you're a terrorist or prefer things a little kinky from time to time.

A Home Office spokesperson said, "In the ongoing battle against terrorism, it's important that we know how many photos of your genitals you've sent to sexual partners in the last few years. Don't worry, we're fully prepared for what we might find."