MIXED MESSAGES

AN EARLY form of Sugababes could have existed during the reign of King Henry VIII, it emerged last night. Documents and paintings discovered in a secret chamber at Hampton Court Palace refer to a trio of female entertainers know as 'The Sweet Women', who wore low cut bodices and caked more cochineal and lead-based poster paint onto their faces than other ladies of the time.

Tom Logan, professor of applied sugababeology at Reading University, said: "When Henry wasn't dissolving monks or testing the thickness of his wife's neck fat, he liked to settle down with a teenage Spanish virgin, a big bucket of goats testicles and watch three high society ladies slut it up on the dance floor.

"We believe these women - Lady Charlotte D'Agney, Lady Elizabeth Villieux and the third one, Beyonce of Arundel, could very well have been the first in the long line of tone deaf jail-bait that evolved into the current Sugababes."

MARRYING a beautiful woman who shares your hopes and dreams is still nowhere near as good as Predator, according to a new survey.

A poll of husbands for Bride magazine found that 80% rated the classic Schwarzenegger gore-fest as a more satisfying experience involving higher levels of excitement and intellectual stimulation than a lifetime commitment to some woman

"When Arnie looks up from the body of a pal who's just had several major organs vaporized by a seven foot skull-collecting merchant of death from space and says - 'if it bleeds, we can kill it'. It changed my outlook on life. Don't get me wrong - I like my wife. But I love Predator."