TALENT & EXPERIENCE

Two dejected armed cops stare blankly into space after smashing their £30,000 patrol car into a set of infamous rise-and-fall traffic bollards.

The officers from an elite Tactical Firearms Unit, were heading to an incident when the electronically operated bollards - designed to let buses onto a restricted road - rose up under their unmarked BMW 530i and wrecked the front of the vehicle.

The male and female PCs - both sporting body armour with guns in their holsters - had to wait an excruciating two hours for a tow truck to take the wrecked police car away - whilst laughing onlookers took pictures with their mobile phones.

Controversial gas extraction technique 'fracking' has been given the go-ahead after experts concluded any further earthquakes in the Blackpool can only be a good thing.

The process involves forcing high pressure chemicals into places that aren't used to it beneath Blackpool, much like any one of the thousands of stag parties above the ground.

Fracking expert Simon Williams said, "This is great result for all concerned, as not only do we get access to a cheap natural resource, but any earthquakes could force Blackpool to drag its infrastructure into the 1980s. You know, we'll shake it up a bit, and then maybe they might be forced build something new that doesn't resemble a scene from Boardwalk Empire."