VALENTINE'S CARD HONESTY

My current roommate seemed pretty cool at first, until I realized that she sleeps ALL THE TIME. When I leave for my 9AM class, she's asleep. When I come back at around noon, she's asleep. After my 3PM class, she's asleep.

She wakes up at around 11PM, does homework until 3AM, then sleeps again. I literally couldn't make a sound in my room, EVER, or she would flip out. Well last weekend she went to visit home. We had just made a grocery run, and she bought TONS of perishable foods.

So after she left, I unplugged her fridge. On Sunday, when I knew she was about five minutes away, I plugged it back in. She basically came back to a hundred bucks of rotten food. Luckily she's not smart enough to realize what happened. Oops.

SENIOR Conservatives have attacked the new Margaret Thatcher biopic for its 'disturbing' lack of sexual violence.

The Iron Lady, starring Meryl Streep as Britain's first sexy prime minister, focuses on Thatcher's political career but fails, according to leading Tories, to accurately depict the seething, erotic menace with which she could instantly fill a room.

Chancellor George Osborne said: "Meryl Streep never played a sexy role in her life, though I suppose hypothetically she did triple-team the blokes in Mamma Mia. "I was thinking more Marlon Brando from Last Tango in Paris. Or maybe Ursula from The Little Mermaid."