AFGHANI BATTLE CARPETS

As the government pressed ahead with welfare reform despite some bishops rejecting a £26,000 benefit cap, the nation's job centres braced themselves for an influx of millions, ready to embark on a fantastic career. Long-term claimant Nikki Hollis said: "Don't get me wrong, while raising two kids in a bedsit on eighty quid a week has been a hoot, I finally have to accept that play time is over.

Meanwhile left-wing atheists have insisted that any reform of the House of Lords must now exempt unelected Jesus-freaks with pointy hats. Tom Logan, from Finsbury Park, said: "I don't believe that Jesus was God but I do believe he knew that £26,000 pounds is not a lot of money these days."

Roy Hobbs, from Doncaster, added: "My take home pay is £25,000 a year and I have to raise three kids. If they promised not to molest it, I'd happily give one of them to the Church."

Doc: What seems to be the problem? Uncle B: My neurons have been bashed around to the extent I can no longer write headlines that make any discernible sense. Not only do they not make sense, they rarely relate to any content on the page and would probably only be useful in describing a silly 70s festival where people wear mad velvet top hats and spangly clogs .

Doc: Have you been mixing class A narcotics, mind-bending amounts of alcohol and reading choose-your-own-adventure novels from front to back again? Uncle B: No, doctor. All I did was stare at pictures of the amazing Scouse Amy and then I felt a sharp exit of all rationality rhythmically flow out of my brain and into my groin . It happened immediately and felt rather good.