MARIO APOCALYPSE

Two Welsh men have been charged in Australia with stealing a fairy penguin called Dirk. The pair, aged 20 and 21, allegedly entered Sea World on Queensland's Gold Coast and removed the flightless bird, which has reportedly never lived in the wild.

The two British men, along with a teenager, were charged with trespass, stealing and keeping a protected animal.

The BBC quoted one of the Welsh men, Rhys Jones, as saying: "Still a bit fuzzy about the whole thing but on behalf of the three of us we are very sorry and it was just a prank which went way too far."

Controversial gas extraction technique 'fracking' has been given the go-ahead after experts concluded any further earthquakes in the Blackpool can only be a good thing.

The process involves forcing high pressure chemicals into places that aren't used to it beneath Blackpool, much like any one of the thousands of stag parties above the ground.

Fracking expert Simon Williams said, "This is great result for all concerned, as not only do we get access to a cheap natural resource, but any earthquakes could force Blackpool to drag its infrastructure into the 1980s. You know, we'll shake it up a bit, and then maybe they might be forced build something new that doesn't resemble a scene from Boardwalk Empire."