THE SHART

Members of the public will be encouraged to Tweet for an ambulance under wide-ranging reforms announced by the government over the weekend.

The phasing out of human emergency services operators was announced in a joint press conference by Health Secretary Andrew Lansley and Home Secretary Teresa May.

"People can use the hashtag and precede it with a brief and to-the-point description of their particular problem," explained Lansley.

PUPILS at Catholic schools are being encouraged to sign a petition against being a total bumpilot. The Vatican is hoping to use the average teenager's natural fear of being called gaymocentric to increase signatures on their petition opposing a law which will allow adults to be happy.

Archbishop Vincent Nichols said: "Teachers will tell pupils that any pen that hasn't signed the gay marriage petition is a gay pen. And we all know who uses gay pens, don't we?

"After that, it's a matter of personal conscience how the teachers proceed, but my own view is that they should ask the pupil if they're currently using their dirty homo pen to write a love poem to Alan Carr's testicles.