DAD'S BEST MAGIC TRICK

Facebook is today launching its Initial Public Offering, selling shares at $38 and somehow valuing the morons who fill your newsfeed with poorly articulated tedious updates at approximately $120 each.

With a market value of $108bn, Facebook is apparently somehow under the impression that each of their 900 million users is worth more than an iPod shuffle.

Facebook user Simon Williams said, "I considered investing, of course - who wouldn't? But then I realised that the majority of people who use Facebook are essentially bereft of worth, both financially and emotionally."

PUPILS at Catholic schools are being encouraged to sign a petition against being a total bumpilot. The Vatican is hoping to use the average teenager's natural fear of being called gaymocentric to increase signatures on their petition opposing a law which will allow adults to be happy.

Archbishop Vincent Nichols said: "Teachers will tell pupils that any pen that hasn't signed the gay marriage petition is a gay pen. And we all know who uses gay pens, don't we?

"After that, it's a matter of personal conscience how the teachers proceed, but my own view is that they should ask the pupil if they're currently using their dirty homo pen to write a love poem to Alan Carr's testicles.