ESSENCE OF LURVE

Facebook is today launching its Initial Public Offering, selling shares at $38 and somehow valuing the morons who fill your newsfeed with poorly articulated tedious updates at approximately $120 each.

With a market value of $108bn, Facebook is apparently somehow under the impression that each of their 900 million users is worth more than an iPod shuffle.

Facebook user Simon Williams said, "I considered investing, of course - who wouldn't? But then I realised that the majority of people who use Facebook are essentially bereft of worth, both financially and emotionally."

Two dejected armed cops stare blankly into space after smashing their £30,000 patrol car into a set of infamous rise-and-fall traffic bollards.

The officers from an elite Tactical Firearms Unit, were heading to an incident when the electronically operated bollards - designed to let buses onto a restricted road - rose up under their unmarked BMW 530i and wrecked the front of the vehicle.

The male and female PCs - both sporting body armour with guns in their holsters - had to wait an excruciating two hours for a tow truck to take the wrecked police car away - whilst laughing onlookers took pictures with their mobile phones.