We're all for tolerance of other people's beliefs here at Kontraband, but it's always cheering to hear about Scientology taking a beating because it seems to rest on manipulation, the promise of life-improvements and lots of other batsh#t. Using pseudo-psychological processes like "returning" to erase painful memories called "engrams" (a term Mr Hubbard stole from neuropsychology), they seek to enlighten, but are in fact doing the opposite by closing people's reality tunnels.

All Hubbard's theorizing is just the raping and pillaging of modern science for his own means, warping, bending and reshaping to fit his personal philosophy. Which is fine, but to turn that into a cult which claims legitimacy, well, it doesn't strike me as a trustworthy organisation.

Which is why it's good to hear this, that they've been convicted of fraud because that's what they are: fraudsters.

Who really cares about the Olympics? People who go on about adrenalin rushes and the "natural" high brought on from running ten kilometres a day are invariably boring assholes. What about taking part in a competitive sport which is actually fun and doesn't leave your legs feeling like they've been hit with a pool ball in a sock for five hours?

We're talking about San Francisco's annual Fap-a-thon, which is a bit like those telethons that they used to do on TV in the 80s to raise money for charity but with jerking off instead of dumb-ass celebrity dance routines and teddy bear mascots.

There are prizes in different categories, from "Longest Squirt" to "Most Orgasms," but the real sportsmen are found in the "longest time spent fapping" event.