G.I. JOE REMAKE; THE THING

As the government pressed ahead with welfare reform despite some bishops rejecting a £26,000 benefit cap, the nation's job centres braced themselves for an influx of millions, ready to embark on a fantastic career. Long-term claimant Nikki Hollis said: "Don't get me wrong, while raising two kids in a bedsit on eighty quid a week has been a hoot, I finally have to accept that play time is over.

Meanwhile left-wing atheists have insisted that any reform of the House of Lords must now exempt unelected Jesus-freaks with pointy hats. Tom Logan, from Finsbury Park, said: "I don't believe that Jesus was God but I do believe he knew that £26,000 pounds is not a lot of money these days."

Roy Hobbs, from Doncaster, added: "My take home pay is £25,000 a year and I have to raise three kids. If they promised not to molest it, I'd happily give one of them to the Church."

A NEW thriller about a troubled Goth who covers her body in corporate logos has sparked debate about film sponsorship. the Steig Larsson novel, The Girl With The Apple Tattoo tells the story of Lisbeth Santander, a vengeful young girl with a really helpful bank whose only friend is disgraced journalist and coffee lover Mikel Nescafe.

Starring Rooney Mara, the film shows Santander endure harrowing violence, sustained only by her faith in a number of multinational companies whose logos she has tattooed on her body.

Director Stephen Malley said: "The apple across Lisbeth's shoulder blades is symbolic of her battle with cumbersome PC operating systems, and the rage that shitty Windows browsers have instilled in her."