Who really cares about the Olympics? People who go on about adrenalin rushes and the "natural" high brought on from running ten kilometres a day are invariably boring assholes. What about taking part in a competitive sport which is actually fun and doesn't leave your legs feeling like they've been hit with a pool ball in a sock for five hours?

We're talking about San Francisco's annual Fap-a-thon, which is a bit like those telethons that they used to do on TV in the 80s to raise money for charity but with jerking off instead of dumb-ass celebrity dance routines and teddy bear mascots.

There are prizes in different categories, from "Longest Squirt" to "Most Orgasms," but the real sportsmen are found in the "longest time spent fapping" event.

We are extremely pleased to give you the brand new issue of Monkey. This week's free Internet only magazine is literally jammed with joy - like Dita Von Teese copping off with another chick - you may get a heart murmur. Especially once you meet the gorgeous Evi who's waiting for you on page 28.

If Dita Von Teese necking another bird has got you teetering on the edge, then allow us to push you over it with this little lot.

Ever heard of a cute girl called Emily Scott? She's from Australia and she is looking stupidly sexy spread across pages 12 and 13. Go on treat yourself.

Want to see a bunch of fat people failing? Of course you do! Then take a look at Fatty Olympics. If you happen to be overweight, don't be offended. Just watch these videos and laugh yourself thin.

If after reading Monkey you feel a little dizzy don't panic. It's perfectly normal for a fully interactive Ezine to blow your mind. If the problem persists you should probably see a Doctor, it sounds pretty nasty.