DELETED 'TWILIGHT' SEX SCENE

As the government pressed ahead with welfare reform despite some bishops rejecting a £26,000 benefit cap, the nation's job centres braced themselves for an influx of millions, ready to embark on a fantastic career. Long-term claimant Nikki Hollis said: "Don't get me wrong, while raising two kids in a bedsit on eighty quid a week has been a hoot, I finally have to accept that play time is over.

Meanwhile left-wing atheists have insisted that any reform of the House of Lords must now exempt unelected Jesus-freaks with pointy hats. Tom Logan, from Finsbury Park, said: "I don't believe that Jesus was God but I do believe he knew that £26,000 pounds is not a lot of money these days."

Roy Hobbs, from Doncaster, added: "My take home pay is £25,000 a year and I have to raise three kids. If they promised not to molest it, I'd happily give one of them to the Church."

Finally: A toilet that combines the functional elegance of Apple products with something you poop in. Created by designer and programmer Milos Paripovic.

This concept for a sleek toilet is meant to play on the (rather tired) joke about the cost of Apple products. In his own words, "This toilet has exactly the same function as any other toilet and costs only twice as much for the same performance[.]"

I disagree. If Apple were to make a toilet, it would surely cost an arm and a leg but it would be the most satisfying toilet experience imaginable.