VELVET ASSASSIN

AN EARLY form of Sugababes could have existed during the reign of King Henry VIII, it emerged last night. Documents and paintings discovered in a secret chamber at Hampton Court Palace refer to a trio of female entertainers know as 'The Sweet Women', who wore low cut bodices and caked more cochineal and lead-based poster paint onto their faces than other ladies of the time.

Tom Logan, professor of applied sugababeology at Reading University, said: "When Henry wasn't dissolving monks or testing the thickness of his wife's neck fat, he liked to settle down with a teenage Spanish virgin, a big bucket of goats testicles and watch three high society ladies slut it up on the dance floor.

"We believe these women - Lady Charlotte D'Agney, Lady Elizabeth Villieux and the third one, Beyonce of Arundel, could very well have been the first in the long line of tone deaf jail-bait that evolved into the current Sugababes."

Wayne Bridge may not have wanted to shake John Terry's hand, but you can be guaranteed he'd love to get his mitts on the brand new issue of Monkey - especially round Lanny Barby's lovely jubblies on the cover. Just check out their perfect roundness. Googlarooney!

On page 10, we've raided a host of famous Hollywood homes just so we can bring you the very ace Hollywood Yearbook picture quiz. See, risking imprisonment just to bring you top entertainment. We're that dedicated!

Elsewhere, there's a gallery of the GREATEST celebrity photobombs ever, James 'tubby' Corden's mental Man United pep talk and a VIDEO of more sweet Lanny Barby toplessness. And on the subject of BOOBS, we've also got galleries of Vikki Blows, Gemma Massey and Jade Jagger's shapely melons. You will love it all. Oh yes, indeedy.