CHAMPAGNE-FUELLED JUNGLE

Facebook is today launching its Initial Public Offering, selling shares at $38 and somehow valuing the morons who fill your newsfeed with poorly articulated tedious updates at approximately $120 each.

With a market value of $108bn, Facebook is apparently somehow under the impression that each of their 900 million users is worth more than an iPod shuffle.

Facebook user Simon Williams said, "I considered investing, of course - who wouldn't? But then I realised that the majority of people who use Facebook are essentially bereft of worth, both financially and emotionally."

Remember when you were a teen and it was cool to have some hair hanging down in front of your eyes? Well, according to Tasmanian optometrist Andrew Hogan, "trendy" hair might cause lazy eyes.

Hogan, who happens to be the education director for the Optometrists Association of Tasmania, said that amblyopia, also know as the lazy eye, can be caused by obstructed vision due to hair that flops over one of a person's eyes.

Hogan amusingly said, "If a young emo chap has a fringe covering one eye all the time, that eye won't see a lot of detail," and reiterated that if the hair is obstructing vision from a young age, that the eye can become lazy.